Jesus Christ

I throw my hands up in disgust.

Here’s the deal, folks. If you made a deal with your spouse not to have sex with anyone else but them for as long as they live, and if you don’t abide by that deal, you are a massive jerk.

If you don’t want to only have sex with your spouse, I advise you go to your spouse and say the following, preferably before becoming their spouse, and say “Spouse, I don’t want to only have sex with you.”

And then your spouse can say, “Oh, really? Okay

1.) I also don’t want to only have sex with you, but here are the ground rules for how this is going to work.

2.) Fine. I’m not looking to fuck anyone else, but I don’t care if you do, as long as you are discreet.


3.) You’ll be hearing from my lawyer.”

It’s just not that hard.

Well, at least we know for sure he’s off the VP shortlist.

Edited to Add: I’m reading over at Slate about this and I learn that BILL FUCKING CLINTON is advocating faithfulness.  I know, let’s just change the Democratic Party’s slogan to “Chutzpah–We’ve got it.”

49 thoughts on “Jesus Christ

  1. It’s going to be awesome. We, too, can make $100,000 for making YouTube videos for him and then his friends can buy us off by putting us up in a series of awesome houses in California.

  2. Pingback: The Edwards Affair Revealed: Reactions : Post Politics: Political News and Views in Tennessee

  3. I’m 37 and have never married. Some of the Jesus Freaks at work have called me a womanizer and I just answer, hell yes I am! But I’m not married and hurting my own spouse and don’t date married women.

    I feel like I’ve won the lottery. All my married buddies used to give me shit, now they are either divorced, some more than once, or remarried. Most have cheated on their wives, or have been cheated on.

    Oh the freedom…

  4. You know, I’ve watched so many movies and read so many books and asked the same question. Wouldn’t this have been a little easier if the couple had just discussed the possibility of openness while they were making legal commitments? I mean, it wouldn’t be perfectly easy… you have to work out rules, which may need to change, and sometimes you’ll argue about it and or feel hurt. But I imagine that if open agreements were considered normal to put on the table until a partner wants to take it off, a whole lot of people could avoid divorce, or murder, or at the very least scandal and public finger-wagging.

    America, grow up!

  5. Wow, Brittney. Sounds a little judgemental. Maybe I’ll choose now to settle down and make it last as opposed to lying and cheating like most married people I know.

    Besides, most people end up in a run-down, old-folks home with some hateful kid changing their diapers. Happened to my grandpa after being married for 50 years and working his wife like slave.

  6. Brittney, I don’t know why that comment bugs me. I guess my writing skills are failing me. First, I was mostly joking. Second, the point of my post was that a person can be single and date multiple people and still be an ethical person.

    For example, I’m a professor and if I were a scum bag could sleep with students regularly. I’ve been a prof for 8 years and have never crossed that line.

    My theme song:

  7. I’m all for polygamy and single people getting all kinds of laid. Trust me. But *you* were the one sounding really judgemental about marriage, so I wanted to outline one reason why people might opt for a monogamous marriage.

    Didn’t mean to offend. Glad you are out getting your swerve on.

  8. Okay, that was funny. Brittney, help me with this one though, the women who come on to me the most are married women? How am I expected to trust marriage if I see that happen so much? I assume that boys are just as bad, I just don’t date them.

  9. It’s something I struggle with, too. Dad cheated on my Mom with the woman he is now married to, and Mom’s on her 4th husband.

    I’m with you on the scared of marriage thing. Problem is I’ve met someone who makes me want to reconsider everything I’ve ever known or felt about the institution.

  10. Lots of relationships survive cheating. And, there are ways to fail your spouse besides fucking someone else. I’m not trying to justify any of them; I’m just saying that big commitments and promises are hard to keep and that forgiveness is possible. Honesty and openness is an everyday effort for most of us.

    I don’t think that fearing cheating in a general sense is much of a reason to avoid marriage, especially if one is not avoiding serious relationships. And, people are usually monogamous for some time before making it legal. Being cheated on by a spouse isn’t, I think, that much worse than being cheated on by someone you’ve been dating exclusively for a some time. It’s just easier to end the relationship, if you don’t want to try to forgive and work it out. In fact, the marriage might make you more willing to try to work it out, which can be the better decision.

    One of the other reasons that some people choose monogamy, with state certification or not, is because the sex is in some ways better with the commitment than random casual sex is. Aunt B is, I think, pointing out that we can have both kinds of good sex, if we talk about it and agree in advance to shared expectations and rules.

  11. Sigh…I hate to get all into this…but I love B, and if were any other blogger I’d just move on. So much to cover. First, I find it just a little odd that so many people heap praise and adulation onto musicians and artists, knowing full well that a HUGE percentage of them are “unfaithful” in their marriages.

    To me, expecting politicians to act as examples of “morality” is silly, and just asking to be disappointed. Not even clergy are immune from this kind of, well, human-ness.

    Why is it that on our wedding day, the very FIRST thing we do is ask people to make a LIFELONG commitment to an ideal that roughly half of the population cannot adhere to? (I couldn’t figure out a why not to end that sentence with a preposition)

    Is it any less of a betrayal if i promise to never eat Twinkies again unless my wife is present….only to find myself engulfed in an environment that constantly offers me pastry, and, in a weak moment…I bite?

    Had Edwards left his ailing wife while she was ill, or, for that matter, at any time, then he would have broken his vows. Simply having sex with another woman shouldn’t mean he has betrayed her.

    To me, anyway, the vows say that no matter what, I’ll be there for you, and I’ll have your back. I won’t desert you for love or money, because i have chosen to live my life with you, for better or worse.

    It has long bothered me that we seek to control those we love, to the point of placing near impossible standards of conduct on them from the jump.

    Apparently, Elizabeth was informed of his tryst, and, to my knowledge, hasn’t filed for divorce. Perhaps in her world, an infidelity is merely a speedbump in the road, much, I’d say, as she viewed her cancer.

    Flame away, but I’ve been consistent about this even when the person involved has been a Republican. I just don’t care to know every little secret about them.

  12. Mack, do we agree on something? How fun! Well, maybe we agree on plenty of stuff, but we don’t seem to make similar comments on similar posts very often.

  13. To me, anyway, the vows say that no matter what, I’ll be there for you, and I’ll have your back. I won’t desert you for love or money, because i have chosen to live my life with you, for better or worse.

    This is true, so far as it goes. I do think, though, that if you mean those vows, and if you’re aware that your partner couldn’t forgive infidelity, that infidelity would hurt the person you love beyond bearing, you don’t cheat. Seems pretty simple to me. But then, of all the weddings I’ve attended in my life, only one ended in divorce. And that divorce didn’t involve any third party, only selfishness and petulant anger — a good sign that people need to think about what marriage is like, and not get involved in it if they don’t want to do the things they’ll be called on to do. There’s nothing wrong with being single if a person doesn’t want to do those things.

  14. Here’s the deal, folks. If you made a deal with your spouse not to have sex with anyone else but them for as long as they live, and if you don’t abide by that deal, you are a massive jerk.

    Just one more reason Aunt B. is teh hawtness.

  15. B. Yes. Though I have to confess, we don’t always know what kinds of promises have been made in public vs private. Not to presume myself, I like to remind others that for folks in John’s demo these sorts of things are often common scumbaggery, but just as often part of the original contract. Brought to light it’s easier for one person to take the fall than for two to expose their “perversity.” Not that that’s what’s happened here. But I like to leave this kind of moralizing to my betters at Focus on the Family.

  16. Sigh…I hate to get all into this…he typed.

    I find it just a little odd that so many people heap praise and adulation onto musicians and artists, knowing full well that a HUGE percentage of them are “unfaithful” in their marriages.

    Don’t know about you, but the musicians and artists I listen to don’t presume to trot out their “family values” in order to win elections. In fact, I listen to their music for the very reason that they don’t burden me with cheap morality and phony virtue. They also don’t invoke their dead kid to win huge jury awards or their terminally ill wife to garner sympathy votes.

    Ok, Eric Clapton may be the exception to that one.

    To me, expecting politicians to act as examples of “morality” is silly, and just asking to be disappointed.

    Let me know when politicians stop positioning themselves as beacons of righteousness and I’ll stop laughing when their “human-ness” is showing.

    Simply having sex with another woman shouldn’t mean he has betrayed her.

    Whatever deal you’ve negotiated, more power to you. Good luck trying to sell that one to the masses. Even your boy in his statement says, “I made a serious error in judgment and conducted myself in a way that was disloyal to my family and to my core beliefs.” Wake me up when he says, “No, my wife was totally cool with it.”

    Apparently, Elizabeth was informed of his tryst, and, to my knowledge, hasn’t filed for divorce.

    What would be the point of that? Do you think spending her remaining time on earth in divorce court is how she wants to spend her final months?

    As she has forgiven him, that’s their business. His unnecessary PR stunt public apology and phony contrition makes him a valid target for ridicule.

  17. In regards to Casey’s statement:

    help me with this one though, the women who come on to me the most are married women?

    I have had many a married man basically sexually harass me — and this is in the course of doing business. What do I do? Ignore it, as I don’t want to lose a client, and I just change the subject. I figure it goes with the territory of having male clientele.

    As recent as last month, I had a married man (WITH TWO KIDS) stop by my house for the purpose of coming on to me. I had no idea he was married at the time and he didn’t volunteer the info. Here I am sitting at home, minding my own business, and I have someone banging on my door trying to play grab a**, or hoping to. Are you f**king kidding me? To me, the worst thing I could do to another woman would be to screw her husband. I don’t do that, because I don’t want that karma. Now that I know that SOB is married, I’ll take appropriate action if he’s dumb enough to come around again.


    In regards to Mack’s statement:
    help me with this one though, the women who come on to me the most are married women?

    I might have missed something, but I don’t recall Mick Jagger, Eric Clapton or any of the others trying to sell me a concert ticket or a CD with the promise to be faithful to their beloved. Therein lies the difference.

    If a politician doesn’t want to be judged on the merits of fidelity, they shouldn’t run on that platform. Simple as that.

    Remember, Edwards’ remarks re: Clinton and Lewinsky:
    “I think this president has shown a remarkable disrespect for his office, for the moral dimensions of leadership, for his friends, for his wife, for his precious daughter. It is breathtaking to me the level to which that disrespect has risen.”

    To Katie Couric, Edwards cited infidelity as a character flaw voters might well count as disabling in a potential President – his words:

    “Of course. I mean, for a lot of Americans, including the family that I grew up with, I mean, it’s, it’s fundamental to how you judge people and human character – whether you keep your word, whether you keep what is your ultimate word, which is that you love your spouse, and you’ll stay with them.”

    Now, like Casey, I’ve never been married. And even at 33, I enjoy the single life — & my actions hurt no third party with a marriage vow because I have firm ground rules with whom I date — the non-marrieds.

    Times like these, I think I’ll stay single.

  18. oops, Mack’s statement should have read: I find it just a little odd that so many people heap praise and adulation onto musicians and artists, knowing full well that a HUGE percentage of them are “unfaithful” in their marriages.

  19. There are just a few points I want to make. If Edwards and his wife had just kept this between them AND kept their opinions about how families should work to themselves, then I would be mildly interested in this but I wouldn’t care.

    But Edwards has for years set himself up as a family man. He spoke repeatedly about his negative feelings about Clinton as a cheater, even after he himself had had an affair. He sold himself to his supporters and the American public as this great family guy who embodied good family morals. And when his staff asked him about an affair when rumors surfaced, he denied, denied, denied, WHICH MADE HIS OWN SUPPORTERS INTO LIARS BY PROXY when they went out and defended him.

    There are ethical ways to have sex with people other than your spouse when you are married. Yes, maybe the people of America aren’t ready for “My wife and I have an understanding. It’s none of your business. I ask that you respect it.” But they sure are ready for “Yes, I did have an affair. I deeply regret it. But I ask that you respect my family’s privacy.”

    The American public might have forgiven him the affair, if he hadn’t lied about it for so long. But the thing that floors me is that he had an affair and he had to know that the chances of it coming out where extremely high and yet he took people’s time and money to mount a campaign knowing that there was no way his campaign could survive the revelation, especially since he let his staffers go out and defend him. Who’s going to work for a guy that shows you that level of disregard?

    And last, but certainly not least, this is a man who, while running for President, was “struggling” with whether gay people deserve equal marriage rights because of his religious beliefs–let me repeat, he believed in continuing a very painful form of discrimination that causes real hardship for people, just because they do something that he doesn’t to, and even though allowing these people to get married would in no way affect him negatively, because of how supposedly seriously he took his religious beliefs.

    He believes so strongly in what the Bible says, he cannot bring himself to extend equal marriage rights to gay people. And he was running for President of the United States! Promising, basically, to govern in this regard on the bases of his religious beliefs, even if they conflicted with what was best for the nation.

    While, at the same time, he was committing adultery.

    So, he can pass judgment on people based on his religious beliefs, even if it means endorsing a social policy that harms people, while at the same time he’s breaking one of the Big Ten Rules of his religion?

    Oh my god. The more I think about this, the madder I get–so basically he was saying “If I’m president, I’m going to hold you to a Biblical moral standard, because that’s what I believe, but I, myself, an not going to hold to this other, more famous Biblical standard.”

    It’s that same old typical politician bullshit–I want to hold you to standards I myself have no intention of living up to.

    Thank the gods he dropped out of the race.

  20. I had to laugh about the Bill Clinton advocating faithfulness thing. Right before I read that, I was just thinking I bet Clinton is laughing his ass off about this, given what Edwards had to say about Clinton-Lewinsky.

  21. I don’t disagree with Sarcastro, Beth, or Ms. B, except to say that we EXPECT our politicians to promote their “family values.”
    Unfortunately, it has become a litmus test to run for office.

    Also, I think there is a HUGE difference between a guy that crosses the line once, and a guy that constantly steps out. Though, in my opinion, one can still be a “family man.”, even with infidelity in your past.

    I took exception early on in this post regarding the vows. I believe the divorce rate in this country hovers around the 50% mark….isn’t that alarming? How many people have left spouses over illness, money trouble, “irreconcilable differences” , or even because they met someone else? Vow breakers, one and all, but for some reason, we easily forgive them.

    You have to admit, this country is still hung up about sex.

  22. Beth, I knew somebody out there would come out and say they had experienced the same types of things. I’ve seen some of my buddies treat women as you’ve described and it ain’t pretty. I’ve had two women go as far as you’ve described. One was a student in my class, community college level, who was only 17 and I was 35. She put a strong move on me and I rejected it and then had an adult conversation with her explaining why it was wrong. Well a woman spurned…she reported me for sexual harrasment. Fortunately, she proved to be pretty disturbed and my bosses believed me. The second was a beautiful woman who seemed perfect. She wanted to be romanced and wasn’t after sex only. We had a great time hanging out for six weeks before becoming intimate. She talked about the long-term, and that I was the best guy ever. Well, the night after we were “together” she called me and said, I remember the exact words, “Baby, I really like you and hope this can go on forever. I just hope it isn’t a problem that I’m married. He is rich and I ain’t leaving him.”

    Being duped ain’t cool. I suspect that Elizabeth felt like I did: like the town sucker.

    As for those triumpeting open marriages, I’m all for adults making their own decisions. I work with another professor who openly lives with his wife and their girl friend. He has children with both, although he only brings the wife to official school functions so the Jezettes don’t stone him.

    Most couples I’ve known that agree to see other people, however, tend to have one serious problem: one of them has more game than the other. If one of them gets way more ass, as I’ve seen happen a number of times, it never ends well. The swingers I’ve known tend to do better as they date together. But the open ones often have trouble.

  23. My last point: I hope there is a special hell for Tabloid newspaper editors and reporters that violate people’s privacy for a buck. I don’t allow those rags in my home. I’d divorce anyone that read them. ;)

  24. Okay, on a slightly different topic. And maybe this is just that old “when you assume you make an ass of you and me” thing, but isn’t it obvious that Hunter or someone close to her is the Enquirer’s original source for the story?

    I mean, just to step back a second, the Enquirer has not been, for ages, the kind of rag that published stories about Batboy. They have, for most of my adult life, been a quasi-legitimate news source (let’s not forget that their sister publication lost someone in the anthrax attacks and they weren’t sent anthrax for their hard hitting sasquach reporting).

    That, to me, seems like an interesting thing to keep your eye on out of this. What does it mean if a place like the Enquirer becomes regularly capable of breaking stories? What, specifically, does it mean about the other stories–about Bush’s drinking for example–that they run?

  25. The Enquirer tried, a couple of years ago, to go the route favored by British tabs. The owner decided to hire some of the staff from the Sun. While that particular experiment didn’t last long, I think the current ownership wants the Enquirer to be a national paper along the lines of the New York Daily News.

  26. Mack, the very REASON most people get into rock n’ roll is for limitless sex. But I see where you’re going here. I don’t expect my dentist to have a spotless reputation, nor my mechanic, or my florist.

    But, back to what I said before — in a round about way, at least — my dentist, florist and mechanic don’t try to woo me to their respective businesses with family values talk. That’s not what got me there in the first place.

    I don’t think we really want family values from politicians – I can only speak for myself here, but in my case, I want them to honor a certain code of decency. My thing is “if you can’t at least tell your wife (or spouse) the truth — the closest person supposedly to you — how can I expect you to be a stand-up person to do the right thing and tell the truth in other areas that affect our country?”

    Anyone ever heard that line “if you will lie you will steal” — it’s something I heard in childhood.

    I don’t like to be a jaded person, but I am becoming more and more so the older I get. I used to think that most men didn’t cheat, but the evidence keeps mounting (and in Casey’s case, the women are following suit).

    I watched the Nightline thing last night — and I have to say this — I really dug that Elizabeth wasn’t sitting there by his side, patting his hand and forcing a grin. She made him sit there all by his lonesome. On the other hand, she allowed him to run for president well knowing this skeleton was in his closet.

    As for the Enquirer thing, I suspect they’re getting better 10 years or so into the internet age. I don’t think it’s a case of “a blind pig finds a truffle every now and again” — and you can tell Edwards was PISSED that it was them that found him out.
    He used the words “supermarket tabloid” OVER AND OVER AND OVER again.

    I kept waiting for Bob Woodward to say: “Well, guess what Johnny, a supermarket tabloid shined a light on your little secret. Doesn’t that suck?” A super-market tabloid outfoxed you.

  27. Beth, you make some excellent points, and though i disagree with some of them, I’m not after a long debate about it.

    I do so hope you do not become jaded and afraid to commit for fear of being hurt. I believe our expectations of others when it comes to relationships is where the train goes off the tracks.

    But you have to determine what is most important for you. Appreciate the thoughts!

  28. Thanks Mack, and me either.

    I’m not afraid of being hurt or becoming too jaded to marry — I’m too young.

    I think 35 – 40 is a nice round age for marriage.

  29. I actually respect the National Enquirer in a lot of ways. They’ve been the red-headed stepchild of journalism for so long that they figure they’ve got nothing to lose by breaking the stories “traditional” news outlets won’t touch. This Edwards thing is just the latest in a long line of big, biggish and small stories where they’ve trumped the broadsheets.

    As for him having had an affair, I’m not surprised. But the fact that he’d do so when he had a sick wife is what bugs the most. That says to me that he’s a guy who, when the chips are down, looks out for himself and his own pleasures first. We don’t need any more of that in the White House.

    We need a guy who understands that sometimes life is hard and you just have to suck it up and face problems head on.

    As for open marriage the rest of you are welcome to give it a whirl. Me? I’ll stick to the traditional flavoured one I’ve got. I have no desire to still be on the market.

  30. We DO expect, or at least hope, that our leaders will not be liars. I think we need to believe that they mean what they say to us, which implies that we hope they are not liars. That goes against it when we discover that they ahve been lying to us and their spouse.

    As for Edwards,I never liked him, but I’m not going to judge a man who has had his wife in chemo, etc. I think one would have to walk in his shoes before condemning him

  31. My2cents…

    It’s what you promise, (or don’t promise) that matters. I wish to Deity they’d come up with a marriage category where the two people only have to promise to devote themselves to each other’s (and any potential offsprings) emotional and economic well-being, but that sexual fidelity that is something that is only promised by those who have thought it out and are determined to stick to it.

    I have annoyingly high standards about fidelity though, just from my own past history, that I can’t shake…The late spouse stuck it out when I had cancer, and then I stuck it out when he had his own terminal ilness, when there were 1. sexual offers, and 2. *Immense* pressure to separate from the dying husband, “You didn’t sign up for this,” etc.

    [Curse word of choice], I will always sound like an old, pinched nosed moralist, when I truly don’t want to.

    Don’t promise fidelity. Just don’t, unless you truly believe you can hack it if he/she can, for the next half century….

    But if you promise it, in public in front of friends or loved ones.

    Keep the promise, darnit. It is not easy or simple, even in “good” partnerships. But it can be done.

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