So, occassionally, I need my friends to act as if I’m so fucking amazing that they’d rip my clothes off right then and there if it wouldn’t get in the way of our friendship. That’s not the stupid thing I want to admit to you, it’s just a stupid thing I need to admit to you so that you can understand the incredibly stupid part.
So, I’m sitting around talking to a friend and the conversation should go a little something like this–”Harmless flirtation,” “Harmless flirtation in return,” conversation procedes to the important stuff and I feel reassured that my life is how it is because I like it this way and not because I’m some terrible, enormous freak no one could possibly love.
But instead, the conversation goes “Harmless flirtation,” “Oh, come the fuck on, like you’d really want that.” And I was pissed. And even later in the evening, I’m kind of taken aback at how mad I still am.
Okay, so here’s where we get into the stupid part. I’m mad because earlier a couple of friends had remarked to me that they thought I looked like the chick in this Onion video. And I do, in so much that we are both fat chicks with brown hair.
Ugh, you know, I can’t get through it this way.
Let’s try another way. I think that woman looks fine. If I weren’t scrutinizing her looking to see what it was about her that made folks think of me, I would have no negative feelings about her whatsoever. But, once someone says, “she reminds me of you,” it’s like I project all the things I hate and feel insecure about myself about onto her and then assume those are the things people see as being similar. It not only makes me feel bad about me, it changes my opinion of her for the worse.
Which is stupid. And I hate that I can see myself doing it. I can tell you about doing it. But I’m still doing it.
The Rotund had a post the other day about talking trash about yourself–and, at heart, I think that’s what I’m doing, using some poor innocent stranger as the medium through which I feel bad about myself. And in that post she uses the phrase “self-harming practice.”
And boy did that about knock me over.
If other people did to me what I do to myself, it would easily be seen as emotional abuse.