Oh oh oh. Oh oh oh.

I may have sprained my cooterial region just now.

Three guesses as to how.

(And no, the answer is not “Contorting to try to put a ring on it.”)

Edited to add: Well, it appears they’ve disabled embedding on this.  Find it here.

12 thoughts on “Oh oh oh. Oh oh oh.

  1. AuntB, am I reading this right to say you sprained your cooter? Gosh golly darn it. The past two days has been one story after another about genital health. First I find out a distant relative wrote that Nathaniel Bacon died of the Lousy Evil. Then Dr. Travis Stork did a whole show about “vaginal gas” right on Channel 2 yesterday causing a whole “queef” storm on the Twitter. I have learned way more about the cooterial area than I care to.

  2. The more plausible explanation for Bacon’s death (at least more consistent with the reports of his symptoms) is that he died of the “bloody flux” (acute amoebic dysentery, or violent diarrhea that results in massive rapid dehydration, loss of consciousness, and in extreme cases, cardiac arrest.) Your ancestor wanted to slur and discredit Bacon (who, it must be remembered was a well-born man related to the Governor by marriage…) and so reported that he died of crabs, which was a condition that was associated with prostitution and gross licentiousness.

  3. No, you can’t actually die of crabs. You can wish that you were dead when you have to make the phone calls to…uhh…interested parties, but that’s not the same.

  4. bridgett, there are several historic accounts of death by phthiriasis (pubic lice infestation). Maybe all those accounts are wrong because the lice happened to be the most visible presence of death in sympton, but some of those included Pherecydes the Syrian, the Greek poet Alemæon, and Philip II of Spain. I’m not a doctor, but it does seem to me a massive skin infestation of pubic lice could cause bloody flux symptoms.

    But don’t think I didn’t give it some thought that Sir Thomas Grantham was attemtping to slur Bacon. Afterall, Sir Thomas Grantham was widely noted as having brought the rebellion to an end by different historic documents of the time. It took a lot more research for me to lean toward his account as being a more accurate report because it is one of only a handful that exist and includes letter written by the rebells themselves that were later authenticated by historians in the early 1700s who then printed them.

    Setting aside Grantham’s well documented history and noted character reports given seperately by others – including by sworn enemies who had changes of heart (and I’m shocked these kind of letters still exist), I concluded it was probably in the rebels better interest to have followed a leader that succumbed to fever than to crabs.

    Just the term “Lousy Evil” points to the fact that many diseases still had this heir of divine judgement… that some diseases were visited upon the evil as punishment. Not exactly something in a time of witch trials to say you were a follower of someone God punished with death by public lice.

  5. Okay, we’re going to have to get Rachel over here to settle this, clearly. I mean, I’m just trying to imagine the type of infestation that would be able to kill you. Is this an especially hirsute man? Will pubic lice travel up back hair and down chest hair?

    Dear god, people, I just spent more time reading up on pubic lice than any uninfected person should ever have to. It does appear that you can get pubic lice on other body parts (though there are also separate body and head lice) and that treatment includes medicated shampoo and possibly a Brazilian.

    I see no evidence that one can die of crabs. And I demand proof before we further slander Bacon.

  6. Christian, your zeal for the evidence and your skepticism about the “official story” is admirable, but I think you’re making some assumptions that are tripping you up. First among these, the rebels were not in charge of the “official story” in any sense of the word. Berkeley’s faction (who were both geographically and socially better-positioned — most of them were members of the House of Burgesses and were Tidewater planters) controlled the story. This wasn’t the era of the citizen blogger; it was colonial Virginia, where due process for rebellion was slight and the rebels were not heroes even among their peers. Even backcountry Virginians at the time were pissed that the murderous actions of the rebels had stirred the hornet’s nest of intercultural relations — they weren’t making any money off the fur trade and it’s true that they would have preferred that Indians just go away, but they didn’t want to be killed out in their cornfields for a war they didn’t start. Following that up, the “letters testimonial” that Grantham received were by guys who were, if they did not collaborate, going to get hung. You have to weigh how honest you’d be in that situation. Me, I’d have a change of heart too. Most modern historians read those as compromised or interested testimony. (There were no historians or historical methodology of investigation of sources in the 18th century. There was a revival of interest in Virginia history in the 19th century among antiquarians — read, people who gathered together a bunch of old papers and said “hey, isn’t this interesting what we can learn about our locality and how important our ancestors were?” without applying much critical analysis or context to what they printed.)

    There’s no way that you’d mistake even the most outraged pubic region of bitten flesh for gallons of watery pus-and-blood filled shit and vomit, racking fevers, etc. The two things just don’t present the same way.

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