An Open Letter to Brantley Hargrove about Boobs

Dear Mr. Hargrove,

It has come to my attention through numerous emails to me and reading Pith that you are today blogging about boobs and from your blogging, it is clear that your experiences with boobs must be rather limited.  Luckily for you, I, myself, being Nashville’s (and now Whites Creek’s) resident token feminist and a boobular American have had quite a bit of experience with boobs–growing them, touching them, finding appropriate undergarments for them, developing a small fan-base for a faint freckle on one of them.  I have not yet mastered the skill of crushing a beer can with them, but that’s only because I’ve not yet found someone to teach me.  I’m sure my boobs are up for it.

I write this letter, in part, to inform you that I am greatly, greatly displeased to discover that I have to defend Saxby Chambliss.  I mean, my god, if only he had accidentally grabbed his grand daughter’s boob!  Oh glorious day of me laughing about that and emailing it to the large feminist cabal just waiting to descend upon Tennessee once I give the word.

Don’t make me defend that old fart.  It makes me a little nauseous.

But second, some day, a woman may want you to touch her boob and I feel compelled to write you for her sake.  Here’s what worries me.  You say, “He grabs her boob. She’s a little girl, no denying, but this isn’t just some accidental brushing. We’re talking straight-up cuppage.”

And yet, I have watched the video (and again, thanks, because there’s nothing more delightful than having a bunch of people ask you to watch some video that may contain old men groping little girls and then you watching it in fear of what you might see) and I see no boob grab.  No “straight-up cuppage.”

Women, usually, have two boobs.  There are certain circumstances in which they might have more or fewer, but, in general, we have two.  Those two boobs are usually easily found, even by touch, by starting at a woman’s shoulders and brushing lightly down and in.  You will feel a rise of flesh and–tada–there is a boob, located on one side or the other of her chest.

We would have to ask Rachel over at Women’s Health News, but I have never heard of a woman having one boob located on her torso right about where her stomach or liver is.  And it’s highly unlikely that Chambliss’s grand-daughter has one, lone boob right there.

So, clearly, he’s not grabbing her boob.  Her boob is not located in the center of her chest.

But second, let’s talk about “cuppage.”  Here’s a general rule for telling if you’re cupping a breast.  Put your hand on your desk, palm down.  See how your hand is flat?  You cannot cup something with a flat hand.  To successfully cup a breast, you should, at the least, bend your fingers slightly.  It’s a more successful motion, depending on the size of the breast, if you also tilt your wrist slightly to support the boob as you are placing your hand around it.

Again, as a general rule (and all women are different, so please be sure to ask the woman you’re with before trying any hand-to-boob contact), cupping a breast, with rounded fingers and a supportive wrist, is a pleasant experience for a woman (or icky experience for a girl).  Open-handed patting on one’s boobal area?  Normally not very erotic (unless we’re playing “Stacy Campfield and the Naughty Planned Parenthood Volunteer” but that’s a whole other letter).

Open-handed patting in the middle of one’s torso?  Nothing to get too worked up about.

Which brings me to my last, non-teasing, point.  Are we really to the point where a man can’t pat his prepubescent granddaughter on the belly without it being suspect?

It’s like this morass of stupidity–a man can’t touch a girl because we ascribe a kind of sexuality to little girls and so his touching her might be misconstrued by someone as being sexual, even if it is clearly not.  And yet, what fucks little girls up is not being touched by relatives in ways that others might misconstrue, but it’s when they’re touched by relatives in ways that are sexual.

I don’t know.  This just strikes me as wrong on all kinds of levels.  I think it’s wrong to insinuate that there’s something untoward about a man patting a girl on the torso, when we all can plainly see there’s nothing weird going on there.  It both makes too big a deal about something clearly innocent and, by extension, makes real claims of groping seem less serious.

And to what end?  Chambliss is despicable for all kinds of reasons.  But this is just not one of them.

Yours truly,

Aunt B.

Edited to Add: I can’t believe I’m about to get deeper into this nonsense.  And yet, now that Jack says, in the comments over at Pith, “Aunt B, I hope you’re kidding. If that’s where your liver is, I’d get to the emergency room immediately.” I, of course, cannot let this go.

Here is Chambliss holding his grand daughter:

chambliss

Please note where his hand is.

Here is a man’s torso with his liver visible:

abdomensurf

Please note that, even adjusting for the girl being smaller and, well, you know, a girl, Chambliss’s hand is square over her liver, not her boob.  If you’d like to learn more about livers, you can check out the website where I borrowed this photo.

Anyway, the fact remains that I am right.

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41 thoughts on “An Open Letter to Brantley Hargrove about Boobs

  1. Pingback: SayUncle » Classy

  2. I watched the video and don’t see it as remotely sexual. Not all touch is sexual regardless of body part (my annual pap sure isn’t), even if the person is above some arbitrary age as Hargrove seems to think (“Just look at her, BP, she ain’t a toddler.”). Regardless, I don’t think he’s grabbing her boob, he’s just being affectionate in a way that people are with children. If she’s uncomfortable with that kind of touch, then, yes, problem, but I think the post says more about how Hargrove interprets the act based on his own perspective than about the act itself.

    I have to wonder if Hargrove would react the same way to the same action if the child were a boy, and if so, if that means that he denies the erotic potential of the male nipple. :)

  3. I have two daughters. Until the beginning of puberty, I would touch/hug them in the same way as my two sons. Once they reached booberty, I altered my style.

    The danger of Hargrove’s claims is of turning everything into a perversion. People need hugs and kisses, especially kids.

  4. Stupidest post I’ve seen in a long time. (The Scene’s, not yours)

    Liz could make me pull my hair out sometimes, but I doubt she would have let this go up, at least not for long.

  5. Chambliss is despicable for all kinds of reasons.

    And what are those? Short list will do. I don’t know him from a hole in the wall, but is he really so bad that having a filibuster-proof senate is a fair trade? I knew it was going to be bad when the GOP idiots had a small majority in the senate. I wouldn’t wish a filibuster-proof senate on my worst enemy. It’s just too much power, and we all know how good congress, republican or democrat, is at restraint.

  6. Or claiming “legislative immunity” so that he doesn’t have to testify about a sugar refinery explosion that took Georgian lives?

    Yes, I’d be concerned about a filibuster-proof majority were it not the fucking DEMOCRATS. Good lord. Have you seen us? If Obama can get those yahoos to work as one, I’ll fall over from shock.

  7. Sliming Max Cleland by suggesting he was buddies with Bin Ladin isn’t bad enough for you?

    Don’t know anything about those. Like I wrote… I don’t know him from a hole in the wall. Any links/documentation?

    You’re not at all concerned about the Democrats having too much power and running amok?

  8. Ben, once again, please note: these are DEMOCRATS we’re talking about. If the House Chambers caught on fire, they couldn’t make a decision in unison to leave.

  9. As ranking member of the Ag committee, he’s been instrumental in paving the way for agribusiness and deregulation of food production — so much so that the ag lobbyists have gratefully donated about 3/4 million bucks to his campaign. If you are worried about the safety of your food or had trouble finding non-bacteria laden tomatoes last year, you had him to thank.

    He’s an aggressive, if not very effective, hatchman for trying to eliminate all arts funding from the federal budget. He specifically has it out for public radio, public tv, and the NEA/NEH.

    While he says he’s for campaign finance reform, he’s repeatedly voted to try to remove caps to individual donations and has a dodgy record with agricultural and law PACs (and the Republican Majority Fund, which he chairs). In keeping with his lousy record on ag and health, he has voted to weaken key provisions in the Endangered Species Act of 1973, trying to limit its use.

    He’s also a good ol’ boy Georgia racist, constantly putting his bigotty foot in his mouth. He spearheaded the gerrymandering of Georgia to neutralize black and Hispanic votes as best he could, then blamed his run-off on the fact that “those other folks” (from context, he meant minority voters) turned out and “his folks” didn’t. He’s prone to say all manner of ignorant stuff. He’s an ardent English-Only guy.

    Hard to believe that in a state as large as Georgia, they can’t find a better candidate than this dud.

  10. Ben, google “Saxby Chambliss” “Max Cleland” and you will find numerous links to newspaper articles, YouTubes of campaign commericals, etc. Likewise “Saxby Chambliss” “sugar refinery” (no YouTube on that, but plenty of newspaper references). I am concerned with not having low-lifes like him in the Senate, of either party, though I suspect that what you would call Democrats running amok I would call Congress doing the right thing, for a change.

  11. I would never have even seen that unless it was pointed out. I wonder why Brantley was paying so much attention to the little girl? I wonder if he gets to leave his house on Halloween or if he has to make sure and “warn” the neighbors about his “status”? I don’t know, just a thought…

  12. If you’re interested in who is financing him, check out http://www.opensecrets.org.

    If you’re interested in his specific voting record or his position on issues of interest to you, you can read all about him on Votesmart.org.

    On the other hand, you can sit around and demand other people do all your research for you…

  13. Ben, once again, please note: these are DEMOCRATS we’re talking about. If the House Chambers caught on fire, they couldn’t make a decision in unison to leave

    Ah, I didn’t understand your point before. I’m not so confident in your analysis.

    He’s an aggressive, if not very effective, hatchman for trying to eliminate all arts funding from the federal budget.

    Sounds good to me.

    Hard to believe that in a state as large as Georgia, they can’t find a better candidate than this dud.

    That pretty much goes for 98% of congress.

  14. On the other hand, you can sit around and demand other people do all your research for you…

    Well, I have no dog in the race, except the filibuster issue, and as a non-Georgian, no power to do anything about it one way or the other. The filibuster is my ONLY concern at this point. The last thing I want to see is another AWB and expansion of government. Unfortunatly, the Stupid Party wasn’t up to the task, but I’m confident spending and entitlements will be worse now.

  15. the important question is this Aunt B – Where *can* a girl learn to crush a beer can like that? That is a skill I just need! ;)

  16. I think the way she is sitting and the stripes on her shirt makes it appear the granddaughter does, indeed, have a uniboob in the location under Chambliss’ hand. When in fact, she has no boobs, unitary or otherwise.

    The diagram with the liver helped me get my brain to start denying this optical illusion. I hope it helps others, too.

  17. I’ve asked the resident expert on weird things women do with their boobs so that men will throw money at them to give us some guidance as to how it works. Do you put the can between your boobs and… I don’t know, squeeze the outside of your boobs? Put the can on a table and drop your boob onto it? However it is, I’ll learn and teach.

    Lyrl, exactly. She’s slouching a little and the stripes make her body look short. But when you view the image larger, it’s easy to see that there’s a lot of chest above his hand.

  18. The real question is why are fake boobs so ugly, and why do some women feel the need for them, when any natural breast of any size or shape is a million times more attractive already? Maybe the beer-can crushers are using fake boobs with Kevlar reinforcement.

  19. Well that’s over. At least we get the filibuster still. I agree with you that the Democrats are incompetent, but that makes a filibuster-proof senate all the more scary.

  20. I agree with you that the Democrats are incompetent,

    No, Sport. If you want to see what incompetence looks like up close, the last 8 years have provided plenty of examples. Whether its the Justice Dept or FEMA, it has been the Republicans that have clearly demonstrated an inability to manage.

    Democrats haven’t been great at campaigning, and can rarely agree on how to word a message, but, once elected, deem to know enough to keep from harming the public welfare.

    Can’t let a sorry ass throw-away line go.

  21. “Stacy Campfield and the Naughty Planned Parenthood Volunteer” – Lynnster, me too. I’m thinking this has Halloween costume potential. :)

  22. Hey Mack, so only Republicans are incompetent? No, they;re just the latest and therefore most prominent example of it.

    Who’s been running urban school systems into the ground for the last few decades? You want prime examples of bureaucratic incompetence? Check out pretty much any central office of an urban school system, which are hardly–if ever–bastions for Republicans.

  23. Every time we think it’s safe to read the Scene again, they hire the intellectual (and hormonal) equivalent of a 12 year old boy.

  24. He’s an aggressive, if not very effective, hatchman for trying to eliminate all arts funding from the federal budget. He specifically has it out for public radio, public tv, and the NEA/NEH.

    For that alone, he’s worth voting for.

    Cleland was a bad senator and needed to go. Sorry, you picked up a lost grenade and blew yourself up, but that doesn’t make you a good senator.

    I’ve never been a huge fan of of Saxby, but at least he supports the fair tax and prevents a filibuster-proof senate.

  25. No, Sport. If you want to see what incompetence looks like up close, the last 8 years have provided plenty of examples.

    I don’t think I wrote anything to imply that the Republicans are not incompetent too. My point is that both parties are incompetent.

    Democrats haven’t been great at campaigning, and can rarely agree on how to word a message, but, once elected, deem to know enough to keep from harming the public welfare.

    ha ha ha ha ha!

  26. Ben,
    I feel the need to bring this conversation back to boobs, because, well, I like them. All of them.

    If some women feel the need to get fake boobs because it makes them happy and in some way improves their self-esteem and their quality of life – so be it. They are probably going to want to show them off which means somebody else is going to get more sex. This means two people are happier and just makes the world a better place. So really, we should be thinking about how fake boobs could bring about world peace…

  27. There’s some sort of connection to be made between Republicans and boobs, but I just can’t put my finger on it….

  28. Wait a second. I challenge this notion that I want to have sex with everyone I’ve shown my boobs to. I’ve shown my boobs to the whole damn internet and I certainly don’t want to have sex with all y’all.

    Let’s not overreach here. So to speak.

    Ha, ha, ha.

    Anyway, women modify our bodies for all kinds of reasons and it’s not anyone’s business but ours.

    My point about the Democrats is not so much that they’re incompetent as it is that, thanks to the Republicans ruining their brand, the Democratic party is much larger than it normally is and it now encompasses a lot of people who want to accomplish very different things.

    Mississippi, for instance, didn’t send a Democrat to Congress because it suddenly became a more liberal state. It sent a Democrat to Congress because the Republicans are in that much trouble.

    But is a Mississippi Democrat going to march in formation with the rest of the Party? I highly doubt it.

  29. Wow, Aunt B, I’m almost honored that you spent so much of your time writing to me. You have a lot of cats, don’t you? One can reliably estimate the age and stodginess of the posters who registered such dismay at the Saxby post.

  30. Brantley, you can try flattery. You can try insult. Whatever.

    I’m still not letting you touch my boobs until you demonstrate to the whole internet that you can actually locate them on a woman and have at least a passing understanding with what the act of “cupping a breast” is like.

    And for sure, you’re going to have to master the whole boob thing long before I’ll even consider letting you speculate on the state of my pussy… cat… er… so to speak.

    But, yes, like most women–as you will learn when you get some experience with them–I only have one.

  31. Aunt B, if you ever encounter me outside of the blogosphere, I wager you’d be more than happy to let me touch your boobs, contrary to what you said. Yes, that was conceited. But there it is.

  32. Shoot, Hargrove, if you can find them. I’m more concerned you’ll lift the right one out of the way so that you can grope my liver. I’d be relieved to learn you can recognize and locate a boob.

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