Blah blah blah. Everything I’ve thought to write about today can best be summed up as “there’s a bunch of stupid shit going on and people are getting hurt.” I just can’t bear to write about it. I’m in a funk and surrounded by this cloud of sadness. I keep walking into it, like a spot of too-warm water in the pool.
I have this dream that a short woman speaks a language I don’t know–which doesn’t matter because I can’t hear her anyway in my dream–and she’s trying to tell me something to tell… I don’t know… someone and I can’t understand her and she can’t make herself understood and it makes both of us weepy. So, I don’t know.
The God thing continues to be an issue this lovely visit from my parents because my dad is convinced that his life is so great right now because he’s being repaid for being a faithful servant of his god. We were driving from Christmas party to Christmas party talking about the new house and I was saying how funny I found it that folks have asked me if I have any regrets about buying the house, as if being frozen in regret is just a natural thing that happens in the first couple of months after you buy a house and my Dad is all “You should have used that as a chance to tell them that you didn’t have any regrets because you know God led you to that house.”
I should fight with him about this, but I’ve lost as fire for it lately. I mean, he knows what my beliefs are. He knows how much I hated and resented being roped into supporting his ministry while he was still active. And yet, here we are, back again at this place where his assumptions about who I am and how the world works are just the defacto truth.
I don’t know. I could go on about it, but it doesn’t do any good. I just want to be seen by the people that love me as myself. And the Butcher drives me crazy, but he’s the only one who does see me, I think.
I just really don’t want to do God’s work. I don’t want to hear about Him creeping around my life rearranging things behind the scenes to work out in whatever way depending on His mood at the moment. I want to be left alone. I want things to be where I left them.
Anyway, the word is that my nephew’s mom is divorcing his abusive asshole stepdad. I hope it actually happens. This is, of course, proof that God answers prayers. No word on why God would stick a defenseless kid in a house unprotected from a guy who beats the shit out of him and his mom, but I guess there’s always some reason–the nephew will do something later in life for which God is already punishing him; the kid would have been doing some really crappy stuff right this minute if God had not stuck him with these trials; whatever. God has his reasons; God is good; so it’s all His fault, but not really, please don’t be mad at us, God, but anyway, there’s nothing we can do.
My brother still does not know for sure where his other kid is. But we have to trust that God will keep him safe.
To bring this back to full-circle, I feel kind of lost lately, like the stars to navigate by are too dim and the paths I’m most familiar with take me places I can’t stand to go again.