My Super Power

Oh, I forgot to tell you that I’ve decided what superpower I would choose, assuming I could choose one.  And it’s a good one, so don’t be stealing it:

I have the power to grant immortality to whoever sleeps with me for as long as they sleep with me.

No, not sleep as a euphamism for fucking.  We have sex later because you’re so grateful that bedding down with me keeps your sorry ass alive.

Think about this.  Say that your beloved grandma needs surgery, but the doctors are afraid to put her under the anesthetic because she’s frail.  I come over, sit on the couch with her, you turn on old Matlock re-runs and soon we’re dozing.  That nap is good enough to get her through the surgery and recovery safely.

Say your squad is getting sent to Afghanistan.  Well, bring over a king-sized mattress and snuggle in, folks.

Or, shoot, I could use my powers for evil, selling time-shares with me to hit men and gang members, making them impervious to bullets.

And, best of all, my pets would live as long as I did.

38 thoughts on “My Super Power

  1. I imagine Mrs. Wigglebottom and the cats could do quite well with this arrangement but what a dilemma for the Butcher.

  2. At first I misread that as “grant IMMORALITY…”

    and I thought, shoot, I have that power ALREADY.

    But then I got to the part about sleep not being a euphemism, and I went back and worked on my reading comprehension a little.

  3. Indifferent children, that’s the “as long as they sleep with me” part. I’m imagining that every night of sleeping with me would grant you a week of immortality. So, if you’re going on a year-tour in Iraq, block off a month and a half of spending the night at my house.

    And then, if you decide that you do want to die, you just stop sleeping with me.

    Shoot, Jo, granting immorality to the folks that sleep with you may indeed be the most common superpower in the universe!

  4. See?! It’s a terrific weakness. I have this awesome power, but it requires that the folks who want to make use of it have to hear all about feminism and notorious liberalism and they have to bring me M&Ms.

    Could Frank Miller ever put his characters through that? Somehow I doubt it.

  5. Now I can see where Insufferable Feminist would make for a good name, but despite the crippling redundancy of it, doesn’t make for a decent weakness.

    How about you can only be killed in your sleep (while sharing your power) by a man with a cell phone in his front pocket?

  6. Oh, god, if the world is depending on fucking Kleinheider to do me in, the world is in trouble.

    What if my weakness is crippling bouts of insomnia?

  7. well then how can someone sleep WITH you? the beauty of it is you have to trust that the person you hop in the bed with isn’t going to shiv you when you are at your most vulnerable.

    It’s symbolic of something…

  8. That he stopped sleeping with me?! From your lips to Perez Hilton’s ears. That would be awesome!

    Or, shoot, maybe Faith Evans already has this power.

  9. I thought you meant that Biggie died because he was fucking Kleinheider. That Faith Evans, she’s a jealous type, you know.

  10. Pretty sure it’s how Tammy Wynette got clipped.

    The Notorious Liberals, is of course, the name of the superehero group you loosely afilliate with.

    Other members include Dr. Hippie, Needy Gonzales, GLBTRON and The Magic Negro.

  11. I thought no one knew about Kleinheider and Wynette except me! That man has got to learn to be more discrete if he’s going to be a Lex Luthor type supervillian or get a better outfit if he’s going to go for instant recognition.

  12. she had the immortality gimmick that B has now. Someone close to her got her while she slept. Upon her death, Charles Wolfe tracked down B and told her she was an immortal, too.

    Like Sean Connery in Highlander.

  13. I would pay good money to watch this movie! I bet Altman’s bummed that his Nashville had such a stupid-ass plot (except for the traffic jam; that was genius) compared to this.

  14. Hey, that was a great movie, as long as you didn’t watch it thinking it actually had anything to do with Nashville.

    But this movie is clearly going to be even better.

  15. ‘Coma, this version has Tammy Wynette and me in it! You tell me how Bollywood is going to top that. I mean, if we can get Kleinheider to dance, that alone is worth the price of admission.

  16. I’m not sure. It’s been going on for 24 hours. It’s at my hosting company and it’s in their command line.

    Soon to be, as soon as I can get a refund, my former hosting company if they don’t get their shit together, nm.

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