I Almost Wish My Vagina Were as Mysterious and Powerful as Campfield Thinks It Is

You know how “sacred” has that sense of both “holy” and “cursed” in it?  That the sacred thing is something so powerful and weird and not of this world that it has to be set aside and only talked about under certain circumstances and in certain ways and that it has special powers able to tear at the fabric of society if messed around with too much?

It’s really hard, when looking at the legislation Campfield is trying to get passed, as a whole, to not get a sense of my vagina as some ancient, sacred thing–like the Ark of the Covenant in Raiders of the Lost Ark–that Campfield is trying to keep closed except under special ritual circumstances in order to keep it from melting the flesh off people.

How sacred is my vagina?

It is so sacred that parents should be able to keep their children from learning about what it does in school (HB0811).  So taboo that advertisements for it should be subject to a 25% sales tax (HB0809) and that, if you want to look at it, you should be charged an “amusement tax” (HB0810).  So mysterious and full of danger is my vagina that we must forbid kids from even learning that there are other things you can do with it besides have babies (HB0821).

According to Campfield, my vagina is so powerful and mysterious that it can fool a man into raising a kid that’s not his without his knowledge and trick him into paying child support for a child he isn’t genetically related to (HB0805).  My vagina has magical powers that confir legal personhood on the fetuses that die just north of it (HB0807 & HB0819) in some cases causing a person to be issued a death certificate before he or she has the legal ability to be dead.

But the most amazing power my vagina has, unbeknownst to me, is that it has the ability to defy the Constitution and make a nation appear between my legs (HB0817).  Yes, you see, in real life, if you are born in the United States, you are a United States citizen.  But in the fantasy world where a vagina has special, sometimes evil, powers, passing through it on your way into the world irrevocably taints you with the homeland of your mother.  You can’t even get a Tennessee birth certificate, because, even though it may have seemed to the doctors and nurses who were there, that you were indeed born in Tennessee, my vagina is so powerful as to make that not true.  We can’t be certain of where you were born.  We cannot issue you a birth certificate.

Fear my great and powerful vagina!  Step off, Stacy Campfield, or I will wiggle my hips suggestively in your direction!  Bow to me, Campfield, and quiver before its slippery pink awesomeness!  And then, run in terror!  Legislate against it all you want.  My vagina will simply wait for its chance to leap out of the dark and smother you with its magical powers!!!!!  (That’s right.  You’d better not keep the legislative parking garage too warm [HB0813].  It’s easier for a vagina to do its work in a warm parking garage and you never know when is going to spring.)

Bwah ha ha ha ha!

51 thoughts on “I Almost Wish My Vagina Were as Mysterious and Powerful as Campfield Thinks It Is

  1. I have always remembered this show from the 60s called ‘The Wackiest Ship in the Army’ (Gary Collins was in it, he was very handsome and I was ten), where, in one episode, some (foreign) woman was about to give birth, and right before it happened, the crew hoisted our flag so that the child would be born as a US citizen.

    That’s always been my benchmark.

    (WHO is that Great and Powerful Vagina behind the Curtain?) HA!

  2. LeftWingCracker, I think you were already kneeling there when I walked by.

    Michael, I did wonder, when writing this, whether Campfield thought penises could do anything except inadvertently slip where they don’t belong. Very sad. I vow to work towards a day when men and women can both have genitals Campfield needs to spend an extraordinary amount of time regulating!

    Peg, aw, that’s sweet!

  3. Does anyone else wonder about his issues? An unmarried man who lives with his mother (last I knew) and passes all these bills about sexual and parasexual matters?

    Come on. There has to be a story behind his fascism.

  4. I wish I had time to comment more, but I’ve got to run down to the sheriff’s office on my lunch hour and file the paperwork for the carry permit for my own personal concealed dangerous weapon. I am LOCKED AND LOADED, y’all. Fear me. And B, I’ll send you a PDF so you can get your permit request in Davidson County. Woot!)\

    Per Ms. Coble’s note, I will say HURRAH!!!! and add, if Campfield were female and proposing all this sex-obsessed legislation — dog forbid — the peanut gallery would be hollering, “She just needs to get laid!”

  5. Well, from my experience in life the vagina is the coolest thing ever. First, I wish I had an orgazm button and multiple other spots that work too. Multipler orgasm would nice.

    And since we boys spend most of our time, energy, and money either thinking about your pooties, or trying to get you to give us access to them, then they must be pretty darn sacred.

  6. I figured it was just hard to type it with one hand.


    Anyway, I came in here to say that multiple orgasms are just the Gods’ explicit argument for polyandry. When one’s done, you just toss him on the floor and pull the next one in.

  7. A properly conditioned male ought to be able to keep a multi-orgasmic woman quite satisfied all by himself, at least before the onset of late middle age.

  8. Aunt B,

    Funny as usual. Biologists have proven that men produce two kinds of semen: genetic carriers and “blockers.” The blockers stay behind to stop the genetic carriers of other mates. This suggests your theory is correct. Our animal forebears must have taken multiple mates during fertility to ensure pregnancy.

  9. I say, if the gods had wanted me to only have one husband at a time, they wouldn’t have given me a bed with four posts to tie them to.


    Some day my mom’s going to read my blog and call me up and just sigh in disappointment into the phone.

  10. Don’t tell Stacey. He’ll try to pass a law that only genetic carrier sperm can be ejaculated and blockers will be banned in the state of TN as part of his crusade on abortifacients. It makes about as much sense as anything else he’s trying to pass this session.

  11. Does anyone else wonder about his issues? An unmarried man who lives with his mother (last I knew) and passes all these bills about sexual and parasexual matters? Come on. There has to be a story behind his fascism.

    Bill Hicks, for your consideration:

    You know when Jesse Helms finally dies, he’s going to commit suicide out back behind a pecan tree. He’s going to slash his wrists and write in blood I’VE BEEN A BAD BOY. You just know they’re going to find the skins of young children drying in his attic… swarms of horseflies going in and out of the eaves… and on CNN — over and over, his wife goin’, ‘I always wondered about Jesse’s collection of little shoes.’ Anyone that far to the right is fuckin’ hiding a deep dark secret.”

  12. According to Campfield, my vagina is so powerful and mysterious that it can fool a man into raising a kid that’s not his without his knowledge and trick him into paying child support for a child he isn’t genetically related to…


    Oh sister, it’s that powerful and more. I know several boys who bought the farm only to find out later the kid wasn’t theirs. One sort of knew it, but he went right on because he wanted her.

    Yes, it has that much power.

  13. Maybe “bought the farm” means “got taken in” in this context. But yeah, when someone buys the farm around here, the acreage is 3 feet by six feet and the mineral rights go six feet deep.

  14. According to Campfield, my vagina is so powerful and mysterious that it can fool a man into raising a kid that’s not his without his knowledge and trick him into paying child support for a child he isn’t genetically related to…


    This actually happens all the fucking time and we need to get some kind of relief for the people who get trapped in this mess. I just don’t think Campfield is the person to do it.

  15. You know, I was curious about this, so I spent a little time looking around. And I see that the Tennessee state code as it is seems like it might be very friendly to claims of paternity fraud. The code (36-2-304) is clear that any presumption of paternity is rebuttable. And it looks to be rebuttable up until three years after a child reaches the age of majority. So, at any time while your kid is a child, you are already free to rebut any claims of paternity against you. And, under 39-16-301, it’s already illegal to assume a false identity with the intent to defraud someone. “I am the mother of your child, so give me some money” would seem to fall under that.

    And yet, and yet, and yet, though I see many many men pissing and moaning about the friend they have who had to pay for a kid who wasn’t biologically his, and even considering that the state statute allows a man to challenge paternity at any time AND might consider a woman who lies about who she is in order to defraud a man by claiming to be the mother of his child when she is not, I see no evidence that any man in the state has ever sued or tried to have the mother arrested.

    I’m happy to be proven wrong. But there seem to be legal recourses available to men right now that y’all aren’t at least trying to take. So, I’ve got to ask, why not? Have the Tennessee State courts already established that lying to a man about him being the father of your baby so that he’ll support the baby doesn’t, at the moment, meet the legal definition of fraud or criminal impersonation? Or not?

    I mean, I’m sorry for all y’all’s friends. That’s got to suck. But have they tried to remedy the situation and run into roadblocks or are they just sitting around wishing that someone else would force the issue for them?

    And so I wonder if we really need these laws or if this is just more politicians being “We don’t really have anything to stand on so we’d better just double up on some stuff we’ve already taken care of.”

  16. Well, I’m also the son of a single mother whose father never paid his child support. I’m all for making fathers take responsibility for their kids.

    Plus, dna tests aren’t that expensive anymore. Some boys want to be taken.

  17. I just wish my vagina were as magical! In Oklahoma, my poor vagina needed to be backed up by a man’s signature (either on an affidavit of paternity or a marriage license) before it could confer paternity on the man who conferred the second round of motherhood on me! ;-)

    Although our lawmakers appear to be watching your lawmakers closely and trying to follow their every move, so maybe I’ll have a magical vagina, too, someday!

  18. Just wait, Pixie. I’m certain you’ll find out you have a magical vagina.

    Casey, I guess the thing I keep thinking is that it is wrong for women to lie to men about whether they are the father of a child. And it ought to be illegal for them to lie about it and collect money and support based on that fallacy. But my question is–isn’t it illegal now?

    Any man is free to dispute being placed on a birth certificate at any point. If the fraud laws need to be clarified so that it is beyond a doubt that misrepresenting a man’s genetic contribution to a child is indeed fraud, then let me be very clear, I SUPPORT THAT.

    What I do not support are these measures that presume that all men need to potentially be protected from all women by the State. If a man doesn’t know if a child is his, then it’s his responsibility to insist on genetic proof, even if it makes the woman angry or upset.

    This seems to me to be “I don’t trust the woman I fuck, but I don’t have the guts to tell her that I don’t trust her and let the cards fall where they may, so I want the State to step in and be a man for me and require DNA testing on all kids so that she can’t know I don’t trust her.”

    That’s an issue for couples counseling, not for legislation.

    And yet, none of the laws Campfield has suggested are about strengthening the fraud laws. They’re all about a presumption of misbehavior on the part of all women that men need to be protected from.

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  20. Any man who doesn’t trust the woman he fucks and yet doesn’t use condoms has bigger problems than the law can fix. Although, now that I think about it … maybe someone could introduce a bill outlawing that, too.

  21. Well, lets not pretend condoms are foolproof, though, since that’s both not entirely true and sounds too much like anti-choice “you had a choice – when you decided to have sex” arguments.

  22. And there’s something kind of evilly amusing about Campfield being all “you must acknowledge this fetus!” with the death certificates, and then going around and saying that we’re not going to acknowledge the born children of immigrants and we’re going to give men ways to not have to acknowledge stillborns, and so on.

  23. However, once you connect the dots through the central line of “things that are meant to punish women for having non-Stacey-approved sex,” the contradictions resolve.

  24. After further thought, I don’t think Old Hickory would bother kicking Stacey’s ass. I mean, why bother, the shit has never had a snort of whiskey, nor come within surveying distance of a pussy. Can’t be much of man.

  25. People in this state are losing jobs left and right, having to choose between buying food to eat or pay their monstrous utility bills, and other such stuff, and Campfield spends his time and effort on ridiculous stuff like this.

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  27. Rachel, I agree it’s an anti-choice position. I’m just suggesting that if Campfield is going to be all about the anti-choice, penalizing folks for sexual behavior legislation, he might as well be even-handed about it and wag his finger at men, too.

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  29. Amen to what Lynnster said above! This state’s poor and getting poorer, and all the Tennessee Repub’s and friends can seem to focus on in pandering to the snake-handlers and other arch patriarchs by policing women’s private parts. They aren’t even useful idiots.

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  32. I worship your vagina. I believe in vagina worship. The vagina of each and every woman is sacred. I bow in front of the vagina of all women.

  33. Vagina is the most beautiful word in English. Vagina is the source of life. The vagina of each and every woman is sacred. Its the most feminine part of a woman. Vagina is holy. Also it is the temple through which the divine essance of a woman or her soul can be worshipped. Men must kneel, adore, serve and worship a woman when she is naked. Women must be proud of being a woman and having such a great treasure. Yes, vagina is a treasure. Words can’t describe its glory. Its sweet, delicious, soft, attractive, holy and mysteric. I worship the Vagina of each and every woman of this world.

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