You know how “sacred” has that sense of both “holy” and “cursed” in it? That the sacred thing is something so powerful and weird and not of this world that it has to be set aside and only talked about under certain circumstances and in certain ways and that it has special powers able to tear at the fabric of society if messed around with too much?
It’s really hard, when looking at the legislation Campfield is trying to get passed, as a whole, to not get a sense of my vagina as some ancient, sacred thing–like the Ark of the Covenant in Raiders of the Lost Ark–that Campfield is trying to keep closed except under special ritual circumstances in order to keep it from melting the flesh off people.
How sacred is my vagina?
It is so sacred that parents should be able to keep their children from learning about what it does in school (HB0811). So taboo that advertisements for it should be subject to a 25% sales tax (HB0809) and that, if you want to look at it, you should be charged an “amusement tax” (HB0810). So mysterious and full of danger is my vagina that we must forbid kids from even learning that there are other things you can do with it besides have babies (HB0821).
According to Campfield, my vagina is so powerful and mysterious that it can fool a man into raising a kid that’s not his without his knowledge and trick him into paying child support for a child he isn’t genetically related to (HB0805). My vagina has magical powers that confir legal personhood on the fetuses that die just north of it (HB0807 & HB0819) in some cases causing a person to be issued a death certificate before he or she has the legal ability to be dead.
But the most amazing power my vagina has, unbeknownst to me, is that it has the ability to defy the Constitution and make a nation appear between my legs (HB0817). Yes, you see, in real life, if you are born in the United States, you are a United States citizen. But in the fantasy world where a vagina has special, sometimes evil, powers, passing through it on your way into the world irrevocably taints you with the homeland of your mother. You can’t even get a Tennessee birth certificate, because, even though it may have seemed to the doctors and nurses who were there, that you were indeed born in Tennessee, my vagina is so powerful as to make that not true. We can’t be certain of where you were born. We cannot issue you a birth certificate.
Fear my great and powerful vagina! Step off, Stacy Campfield, or I will wiggle my hips suggestively in your direction! Bow to me, Campfield, and quiver before its slippery pink awesomeness! And then, run in terror! Legislate against it all you want. My vagina will simply wait for its chance to leap out of the dark and smother you with its magical powers!!!!! (That’s right. You’d better not keep the legislative parking garage too warm [HB0813]. It’s easier for a vagina to do its work in a warm parking garage and you never know when is going to spring.)
Bwah ha ha ha ha!