Douchy McDoucherson

I know it’s bad form to complain about people on the internet and you know you’re only getting my side of the story so maybe there’s some reasonable explanation for all of this and I’m just such an evil giant bitch that no one can actually stand.  But, if you go from my bed to my friend’s bed and I have to find out by seeing your car at her house the night before you told me you’d be in town on my way to the grocery store… I mean, my god, when you don’t even think enough of me to pull the car around back where I won’t see it on a route I have to take every day or two…

The chances of me meaning it when I say never contact me again are at about 99.9%

But, 35 year old man, if you are going to contact me again, ” i hope u are well.  what’re u up to these days?  hope all is well.  talk to u later.” is not going to cut it.  You want to contact me but you’re too lazy to use the shift key?  You can’t be bothered to spell “you” out?  You’re not 15 and you didn’t text message me.  And that’s the first impression you want to give?

Jesus Christ.

Breaking Douchbag News! So, I called my dad to chide him for not telling me the information I needed to keep from stepping in it the other day and he apologized and was mortified (thus leading me to believe that this may indeed be the end of days) and we were talking and I mentioned getting an email from Mr. McDoucherson and how I couldn’t believe that, after all this time, he’d contact me and my Dad said, “That is strange.  You’d have thought that, after I refused to give him that money, he’d have been done with our whole family.”

“WHAT?”  McDoucherson asked you for money?!”

“To start a children’s ministry.  I said ‘no’.”

Folks.  Can you believe it?  You do me wrong in a most non-Christian way and then you hit my Dad up for money?!  To start a ministry?!

I am speechless.

And I can’t believe my dad never told me that until now.

10 thoughts on “Douchy McDoucherson

  1. Some people go out of their way to merit mockery. I applaud your restraint.

    Alternately, perhaps he’s suffered a terrible combine accident that has sheared off both pinkies and left him short-handed (so’s to speak) when it comes to hitting the shift key. The question mark makes me think not, though.

  2. The worst part is that, when I knew him, he kept going on about how he just knew that he was destined for greatness and that, if he hadn’t achieved world-changing fame by the time he was 30, he would kill himself.

    And I got this message and my first thought was “Oh, so even the suicidal angst was bullshit.”

    I probably hold onto anger too long.

    But that was an early lesson in “Any man who tells you that you’re the only person who understands him is actually saying ‘I will dick you over as hard as I can when the time comes’.” And the time always comes.

  3. Perhaps it was irony? As in, “I know there’s no excuse or anything for how I behaved, and I know you know it too, so my assumed lightness is a comment on the impossibility of saying anything that can possibly address the situation, but I’d like to be back in touch”? I mean, obviously the chances of that are low, but it would at least be a sign of intelligence at some level.

  4. It has been my experience that whenever men of a certain type act in ways that they believe in theory they are entitled to act but know in practice will be hurtful and/or hypocritical, they immediately go into hey wat’s up nothin here mode. It’s like a spackle to go in the space that would ordinarily be left open by cognitive dissonance.

  5. Tanglethis, that may be the best description of one particular exboyfriend I’ve ever heard. I hadn’t thought of him in years, but his face popped into my head while reading that, and I got the best laugh I’ve had all day. Nearly the ONLY laugh I’ve had all day, aside from snickering evilly when the baby got himself stuck between furniture while trying to be sneaky…

    He was such an ass. Cute buns, though…

  6. Do you know at all if this was for a legitimate children’s ministry or an I want money and a children’s ministry seems like a good cover story type thing?

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