1. My peppers have sprouted. I didn’t think it would be warm enough for them, but, like sullen teenagers getting out of bed, they seem to be shrugging, looking at the sun, and saying, “Whatever.”
2. I am Republicanless, so I assume his woman took him back.
3. I am also Butcherless, so I don’t know how his interview went.
4. My recalcitrant brother bought my mom a beer steine. Let me remind you that my mom doesn’t drink.
5. Breaking douche news still cracks me up and it’s been days.