7 thoughts on “Why Don’t You Just Put the Baby Up for Adoption?

  1. The woman who was my father and uncle’s birth mother kept a journal for forty years about how much she missed her babies. She committed suicide in her early sixties.

    She had just returned from a singles trip to Europe, where she bought souvenirs for everyone. She laid out the souvenirs on the bed and went for a drive. She steered the car into a river.

    When my aunt–the child she kept–was looking at the souvenirs there were two extra things. She didn’t know why her mother miscounted until she was reunited with her half brothers five years later.

  2. I just wish that, when we discussed reproductive issues, we all carried with us the gravity of any decision. I feel like our legislators are so flip about it and treat women like idiots and not like whole human beings trying to make the best choice out of a number of very difficult, very hard, decisions. I am really glad that someone is willing to talk about what happened to her and glad that people in the comments were willing to share.

  3. My exhusband was adopted. In his preteens through most of high school, he really suffered through a lot of abandonment issues. He and I were best friends back then, and it hurt to watch him struggle. When he got to the age his mother had been (18), he began to see her choice as a gift, rather than a punishment.

    Years later, just after our daughter was born, her was holding her on her first night. He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said that, until that moment, he had never understood the depth of his mother’s sacrifice.

    My best friend from elementary school is 31 and still searching for her birth mother. She adores her parents, is very close to her mom, but she still feels loss and grief from being “left” and “given up.”

    My oldest (and step) son’s mom has given two children up for adoption. She has stated unequivically that it was the right choice, both times, but, since the birth of her last baby, she’s talked a lot more about her “rights” as V’s mother and has made more noise about “getting her joint custody rights back” (which would be a VERY BAD THING and is not going to happen). She initially reappeared in her oldest son’s (my stepson) life after she had given the first baby up. I respect her decision to not raise those two kids (seeing how messed up the one she kept is, and how unfit she is to parent the one she left with my husband). But the truama is obviously still there, and it’s not something I’d wish on any woman. Ever.

    Would abortion have been a better choice? I don’t know. For me, yes. If I could not parent a baby, I could not carry a baby. But the issue here is “choice.” We need to quit coercing women into carrying babies, into giving them up and into buying into this crap that quantity of life is more important than quality.

    Sorry. Preaching to the choir, I know, but this is one of my hot buttons :)

  4. I have to say that reading that made me a lot more sympathetic to what both of my nephews’ mothers went through. With my oldest nephew, with how young his mother was, I know we all thought “She has her whole life ahead of her, why doesn’t she just give the kid to my aunt and uncle?” And with my sister-in-law, well, yeah, of course we were hoping she’d just give him to one of us.

    But I never really considered how devastating that might have been for them. I’m going to keep an eye out for where I use that word “just” to see if that’s not some indicator of where I’m putting up a little wall to smooth things over for my own psyche and not see things in a compassionate manner.

    I have seen many kinds of adoption situations–failed and successful–and I have never seen a situation that was easy for everyone involved. Ever. Even when they have “good” outcomes, those outcomes are the result of a lot of struggle.

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