I have to report that someone in my building just called the cops because someone left a “suspicious bag of rhubarb” on her desk. My co-worker is now out there trying to convince the police that they could just give the rhubarb to her, since she likes it. But the police cannot hand the rhubarb to her. They appear to be offering to leave it in a trashcan where she could then recover it.
Tiny Cat Pants 
What the fuck, America?! What the fuck?!
I don’t know, rhubarb is kinda suspicious, all ‘stalky’ and ‘pink.’ Some might believe it could be in collusion with….STRAWBERRIES.
RUN! Run for your pies!!
Mmmmmmmm…. Rhubarb
Clarify for us, please: was there a suspicious bag which the cops later determined contained rhubarb, or an obvious bag of rhubarb which prompted the call to the cops because no one would innocently give that person something fresh from their gardens? I have to know this, because when I replay the scene in my head and snicker I would prefer to be accurate about it.
No, it was an obvious bag of rhubarb the recipient was not expecting and could not discover who had left it for her. And so she called the police, rather than just throwing it away.
You mean it wasn’t a bag of red celery?
Have you had fruit and vegetable scares there before?
I don’t think I would even know what rhubarb looked like if someone left it on my desk. But I definitely wouldn’t call the cops about it. I mean, unless it was ticking of course.
I don’t know…my personal experience with rhubarb has been explosive, to say the least. Let’s just say that I no longer trust the gastronomic recommendations of A Prairie Home Companion.
You know, the workplace is doing a community survey about their police department – how they are doing, which services are important, and so on. I’m pretty sure you should write, “Thank you for protecting us from suspicious rhubarb” in your survey response.
How is it possible for there to be a short straight line from (tasty, tasty) rhubarb to law enforcement?
This may be the greatest thing I’ve ever read.
I’m still laughing about the fact that the police were called. I mean, do you dial 911 for that or do you have to use 862-8600? I have seen billboards that advise me which number to use when, but none of them cover this particular scenario.
If you see something, say something.
or
If it’s not a flag, it’s probably a bomb.
or
Some people don’t deserve rhubarb.
So what happened to the suspicious bag of rhubarb?
My co-worker took it home with her.
“Have you had fruit and vegetable scares there before?”
One of the best straight lines I’ve ever read. Thank you, nm.
And here I was considering, “YOU HAVE A STALK-ER!”
I’m relieved the rhubarb found a good home. Had it been abandoned, I don’t know if I would have recovered. I’m serious.
The Butcher was all worried that, if there were any kind of investigation, I would look like the prime suspect because we used to live in a town that was semi-famous for their rhubarb festival every year.
Because, apparently, once you live in a town with a festival, you are forever capable of leaving that vegetable on someone’s desk. Or something. I don’t know.
I almost wish they were going to send a detective around to detect the origins of the rhubarb.
On the other hand, our city is more dangerous than Baltimore, so I hope the police are out establishing law and order.
On the third hand, I am dying laughing thinking about the Nashville version of The Wire, which could include this traumatic rhubarb incident.
I think it’s the perfect episode for the detectives to communicate completely in “fuck”s.
Though I am horribly late to this party, may I just add that I believe I will laugh the rest of today and into much of tomorrow over this post.
Also, “Traumatic Rhubarb Incident” is the name of my next album. Or maybe my new back-up band. I’m still deciding. Maybe the band name could be “Obvious Bag of Rhubarb.” (That would be a good insult, too, BTW. “You OBVIOUS bag of RHUBARB, I swear!”)
(Also, B, have you all been sauntering by this goof’s desk, murmuring “rhubarb rhubarb rhubard” just softly enough that only she can hear it? I would be.)