The Other Ty Cobb

So, it’s confusing because we have a Democratic Ty Cobb in the State House and now another Ty Cobb is running in a different district and so when someone says something like, “Oh my god, did you see Ty Cobb’s website?!” you have to discern which Ty Cobb it is.

If I had my way, I would call the Ty Cobb we have now a conservative Democrat and the Ty Cobb we are surely about to have a Republican. But you know, you start saying snarky stuff like that and someone is going to start lecturing you about how every district in Tennessee is so very different than every other district and we have to shape our message to reach those voters in each district who are, did I mention, so very different and we city folks simply cannot understand, so please leave it to the folks who know these things to figure out. Seriously, by the time they get done with the lecture, you will be lolling in your chair like a petulant teenager, staring at the ceiling obsessing over what would happen if a piece of plaster fell in your eye right then.  In fact, you may secretly be praying for that plaster to fall in your eye, so that you have a legitimate excuse to run out of the room screaming.

But let’s be honest, the line between conservative Democrat and actual motherfucking Republican in Democrat’s clothing probably falls between the two Ty Cobbs.

So, let us turn our attention to the other Ty Cobb.

Ty Cobb, a conservative Democrat, was born and raised in Bedford County where he attended Shelbyville Central High School. Cobb then attended Martin Methodist College where he was a pitcher on their baseball team.

A commonsense conservative, Ty Cobb is a hunter, fisherman, trail rider, sportsman, and a carry permit holder. He is pro-life and a card carrying member of the NRA.

Well, well, well.

“Pro-life.”

You know what? If this Cobb gets in, I think we hold him to it.  It’s time to hold these conservative “pro-life” Democrats to a standard of actually improving the life-spans of people in Tennessee. Now, lots of people in Tennessee die needlessly. One only has to take a look at the latest women’s health report card to see that, if you’re a woman in Tennessee, you and your children are in grave danger and may not get out of this state alive (or at the end of a long life).

But babies are cute.  And who wants to see cute babies die?  And yet, our infant mortality rate is abysmal.

It’s time to start holding these “pro-life” folks to their pro-life standards. We need to ask them, at every turn, what they’re going to do to lower infant mortality rates in this state.  And if they aren’t going to do anything, we need to start letting their constituents know that they’re baby killers.

In Which I Say Something Very Uncharitable about the TNDP

Because the TNDP has every email address I own somehow, I have now received the following multiple times and I am growing more and more irritated:

Just a quick reminder: bidding for the head table will end at 5:00pm Central today.

Bid now for a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to experience Jackson Day at table with  Vice President Al Gore, Gov. Phil Bredesen, Gov. Ned Ray McWherter and Congressman Harold Ford Jr.

Remember: your bid must be $100 higher than the current highest bid.

I know this is how it works, but I hate the flagrant nature of it.  “Remember: your bid must be $100 higher than the current highest bid.”  Ha, ha, all us rich Democrats throwing our money around in cheerful competition with each other and in hundred dollar increments.

Please.

Like I’m supposed to believe that the person who can afford to bid on a seat at that table is having a “once-in-a-lifetime opportunity”?

It’d be nice, just once, for us to give more than lip-service to being a party of people from across the board instead of making so obvious the mechanisms by which we ensure the “right” people get seated with the “right” people.

Ty Cobb, I Look Askance at You

Names that might properly be shortened to “Ty” when one’s last name is “Cobb,” without suspicion:

Tyrone

Tyrus

Tyrel

Tyresius

Tylenol

Tiberius

Tiger

Timmon

Tyler

Tybor

Tyforth

Tynoltenence

Tyny

Tympony

Tyllian

Railroad Tie

Necktie

and

Bruce

Names that cannot be shortened to “Ty” if your last name is “Cobb” without making a girl think you’re just trying to soak in the reflected glory of the original Ty Cobb:

John

Level-Headed Conservatives, Your Country Needs You

You know how you’re at a church function, probably a potluck, and some old guy starts ranting about The War! (Meaning, probably, the Korean War, but Vietnam War veterans are now quickly reaching the age where some of them could be this guy) and how “they” are ruining the America that he fought for and his daughter tries to calm him down and he’s having none of it and some young guy who thinks he knows better is trying to argue with him and the whole thing is escalating in a way that’s backing up the line going around the table leaving you stuck right in front of the one salad that kid of smells like marshmallows and cabbage?  And there’s a huge scene and no one gets to eat and we’re all a little afraid he’s going to pull out his gun and shoot the water heater and then Mrs. Yoder is going to jump on his back and stab him because there is no way she’s going to do all these dishes in cold water, not only because of her arthritis but also because you need hot water to kill germs and she’s not using germy plates next time to feed the children in the church?

So, everyone is tense, waiting to see if this will be the Sunday that Mrs. Yoder finally goes to jail?

And you know how it’s got to be another vet who stands up and walks over to the guy and puts his arm around him and leads him outside and has a little talk with him and we all eat and then the guy comes back in and he looks a little embarrassed and mutters that he’s sorry and your grandpa sits back down with you and says nothing about what he said outside?

But not only is the crisis over, it doesn’t happen again?

Level-headed conservatives, please, be that grandpa. Please, if you know some fool who is clearly in the middle of some public melt-down–maybe he’s insisting at some townhall meeting that we all go to Washington to kill the President, or he’s convinced that he needs to see the President’s penis in order to know that he’s an American, or she’s talking about how the Republicans need to find themselves a “great white hope,” edited to add: or wanting to install a Christian theocracy in Tennessee–whatever it is, it’s holding up the line at the metaphorical American potluck, that person is not listening to the rest of us.

Please, for the sake of your country and your fellow citizens, take these fools aside and speak some calming wisdom to them.