I was talking to the Professor last night about a picture I had seen on the internet, which she thought she had seen and I told her that I thought I saw a penis in it. She said, “I’m pretty sure that’s an ankle.”

People, I was all, “Oh my god, I hope we’re not looking at the same thing, because I’m pretty sure if you misidentify an ankle as a penis, the penalty is that you have to be a virgin again. Maybe even a double super secret virgin.”

It turned out we were not thinking of the same image, but when I crawled into bed, trying to decide what day this weekend to stay at home so that I can COLLECT MY OWN PEE (Jesus Christ), while I slipped my CPAP mask on, I was feeling a little sorry for myself, until I thought that I was a little sad that I missed out on my chance to be revirginated, because it would have just been so fucking hilarious.

Any one of those three things can get a girl a little down.  And let me just say that it’s not actually the collecting of the pee that bothers me so much as the then driving around town with it to deliver it.  But together? You’re like the hero of an awesome indy film. Which is funny, when you think about it. One thing wrong? Kind of annoying. A bunch of weird things? Now you’re just quirky.

And, I don’t know, it’s not like you would have to tell your partners you’d been revirginated. So, you could be all like “Oh, no, it’s not like I’m horribly awkward and seem to have just sprained something I might need later because I suck in bed; I’m a virgin. Teach me, oh charming dude or bikini-clad gun model.” When you’re a virgin, there’s still the promise that you might get better at it.

Ha, there are days when I’d like to be revirginated across the board. This is not as good as it gets. You will learn and get better! Even at making copies! Even at deciding where to go for lunch!

Fresh starts for everyone. None of us need know what we’re doing.

Edited to add: Um, except for pilots and bus drivers. You need to know what you’re doing.

6 thoughts on “Revirginated

  1. I was going to a baby shower one time, and I showed my mother the absolutely adorable wrapping paper I had found for my present. It was white with little infant footprints all over it, some pink, some blue. My mother said, “why are you wrapping a baby present in paper with penises all over it?” I had to show her how the little shapes were footprints. I always thought she was wacky, but maybe she had been revirginated, too.

  2. Because having a bus driver who doesn’t know what they are doing while driving you across town to deliver the collected pee would be bad. Possible quirky hijinks ensuing and all that nonsense! BAH HUMBUG.

  3. Woohoo! I’m tired of pretending like I know what I’m doing……

    My wife had to collect her pee several times when she was pregnant. And had to keep it cold after it came out of the tap. But our bathroom was upstairs and she was very pregnant so rather than going downstairs every time she peed we had a cooler in the bathroom with a big jug of pee in it.

    Also, make sure you remove the collection device from the toilet when you’re done. You can get a little extra in the sample when you share a bathroom with a man. Might make for interesting test results….

  4. My best friend had to collect her pee, and take it to the doctor, riding public metro. Of course as she was getting off the bus, she tripped, flinging her not altogether secure pee-container (and, more important and tragically, the contents) into the unfortunate face of the man who was getting off the bus. He was a good sport about the whole thing, fortunately, and the story has become a Sunday Brunch Legend.

    However, if you were revirginated, I think it would top that.

  5. Southern humorist Jill Connor Browne talks extensively on the topic of revirginization. She even has a cocktail that purports to induce the effect! :D

Comments are closed.