An Open Letter to Alabama (and others)

Dear Alabama,

I see today that girls who wore dresses that violate your dress code were subjected either to suspensions or “corporal punishment.” I’m writing to ask if you have thought this through. You let grown adults spank young teenager women for being too sexy? I’m going to spare you the feminist parsing of this sexualized violence against these girls (others will get to it I’m sure). Let’s just stick to the obvious.

You let grownups touch the asses of girls you’ve identified as too sexy?

Let me repeat, you have grownups in your school systems who will willingly touch the asses of underage girls as punishment for them being too sexy.

I hope you are setting aside some taxpayer dollars for when the sex scandals come out.

I mean, it doesn’t take a genius to realize any adult who willingly wants to smack the ass of a teenager is someone you need to keep an eye on.

Obviously.

Deeply Concerned about Your Hiring Practices,

Aunt B.

Mysterious Peony

So, every night, I go out and put a whole watering can’s worth of water on Henry. And then I wander around the yard looking at all the things that are coming up. I try to refrain from taking pictures every evening, because I understand that it may not be as exciting for you as it is for me to see the same things over and over again.

But let us just say, for the record, that I have taken a shit ton of pictures of my crocuses (a flower much improved in my estimation by the awesomeness of it in my bed) (um, not like that). Have you, dear reader, noticed any peonies in my crocuses? Me neither. Were there any peonies in that bed last year? No. Did I plant any peonies in that bed? Certainly not.

But People of Earth, I’m standing at my magnolia, watering away, when I look over and see what, from across the yard, looks like a tiny tree. And I say “Oh, hell no, I am not starting to have to pull trees out of my flowerbeds already! I will burn this yard down.” Which, of course, I will not, since I haven’t even seen what the new daffodils look like yet and I just bought a magnolia.

But I would go get my clippers.

So, I go over to see what this motherfucker is.

And I realize, it’s not a tree at all.

It’s a peony.

In about the same state as the peonies in my back yard, except this guy is alone in the front yard.

How did he get there?

Can peonies spread by wind? But, even if so, how did it spread by wind kitty corner across my house? I’m supposed to believe a seed went OVER my house?

Is this what all the mysterious digging in the bed was? Not intentionally digging up irises, but squirrels planting peonies?

And what can I do with an army of gardening squirrels if that proves to be the case?

I mean, people, will they weed for me?!