If you follow Tennessee politics, it’s pretty natural to get to a point in the spring where you’re just like “Fine, you fuckers win. You broke me.” Where you’re pushing “Yes, do that,” or “Oh, god, no, don’t do that stupid thing.” and you just lose the ability to keep pushing as hard as the thing deserves. This year’s general assembly has been up to some wack-a-doo stuff and at the last minute they’re playing a giant game of “fuck over the vulnerable,” but I honestly just don’t feel like there’s anything we can do.
And that next year, it will be worse.
I don’t think that this is just the annual “fine, you idiots broke me” moment. I don’t think this is just about politics.
I feel like my ability to grant people the benefit of the doubt is just gone. My ability to try to view them with a generous heart.
I’m tired of calling driveway repair places, talking to someone on the phone who promises to come out and give me an estimate and never, not once, having anyone show up. I’m tired of my inability to keep calling.
I’m tired of fuckers keep calling me up and asking stuff of me and I can’t get shit in return.
I’m tired of it seeming like there’s just one more piece of bad news after another. And I’m tired of myself taking every piece of bad news like it’s my bad news.
And I’m tired of feeling like, if I throw myself into things I love, in order to feel better, I might miss something.
I can’t turn off the feeling like I need to be vigilant.
I know it will go away after a while, but it’s difficult to just admit, we are all a little fucked up right now. And dealing with us is a pain in the ass.
Ha, I would like to just walk through my day saying to everyone “Are you fucking kidding me?” which, believe me, is my first, gut reaction to everything.
Ugh, well, this post has petered out. But really, folks, if there are pictures of flowers or stories about my pets more than usual, it’s because every post I would otherwise write is some variation of “Fuck this fucking shit,” and “Are you fucking kidding me?”
I’d feel worse about it except that I know everyone is in the same space.
Still, I would just like to say “fuck this fucking driveway” and “are you fucking kidding me that yet another fucker didn’t actually show up to give us an estimate?”
And then I would like to punch some ticks. Really, the inordinate glee I am lately taking from flushing those fuckers down the toilet and imagining a vast watery crypt in my front yard full of dead and dying ticks makes my day.
That concerns me a little bit.