The TNGOP Gubernatorial Candidates Put Out Some Ads

Weren’t there three Republicans? I’m going to be honest. I think there are three, but I can only remember “the rich dude” and “Tennessee’s Angriest Gubernatorial Candidate.” Third guy, you need to come up with something catchy about you. If there is a third guy.

Anyway, let’s consider the ads.

First, the rich dude. In his ad, we learn three things:

1. JR Lind is right. That logo is a little too Coke.

2.  He has a huge heart.

3. And god damn it, no matter how much peppy piano music is playing in the background of his ad, that motherfucker doesn’t once break into song (and tell me he doesn’t look like he could easily be 1/4 of a barbershop quartet).

I’m just saying, I would vote for a governor who was in a barbershop quartet. Haslam might want to consider at least getting himself a red and white stripy shirt, to fool folks like me into thinking he might be in a barbershop quartet.

Oh my god, you know who else kind of has a barbershop quartet look to him? Our guy!

Oh dear Sweet Jesus, I will reconvert to Christianity if you somehow arrange for Haslam and McWherter to be in a barbershop quartet together. Perhaps with Lowe Finney and Lamar Alexander. And they could sing “Let Me Call You Sweetheart” because the author of that song is from Tennessee! I’m just saying, Lord Baby Jesus, I’m not asking for a big miracle. Just a barbershop quartet of our most barbershop quartetty looking politicians.

2. Tennessee’s Angriest Gubernatorial Candidate. People, tell me you did not laugh when he whipped up that “comprehensive plan” at the beginning of the clip! Note to director: In the future, have the candidate already have the plan up and ready to go before the camera starts rolling. Otherwise, you’re going to startle snarky bloggers. Also, I had to wonder if the plan is some kind of bomb or dangerous substance or if this was a taping of an elaborate game of Republican Hot Potato or what? Maybe you don’t have to pay people if they only appear on screen for a millisecond? I don’t know. But people were trying to get rid of that thing like it was a poopy diaper. Note to director: In the future, have recipients of the plan actually look at it, seem to be contemplating it, not trying to get rid of it as quickly as possible.

Though, you know, I might vote for a guy who was going to distract the whole state by engaging us in a state-wide game of Hot Potato. Would it be wrong to file this commercial under “Unspoken, but understood, campaign promises”?

Also, for being Tennessee’s Angriest Gubernatorial Candidate, Wamp looks surprisingly and disconcertingly good-natured here. I can only assume the ad where he beats someone half to death with the rolled up Plan comes later.

I know Governor Bredesen is anxious for the… Oh, duh, Ron Ramsey. That’s the third GOP candidate.

Ha, shoot, AND I BLOG ABOUT TENNESSEE POLITICS. I don’t know if this speaks worse to me or to Ramsey’s level of visibility.

Anyway, I know Governor Bredesen is anxious for the state legislature to stop doing crap and pass a budget, but, Governor Bredesen, we, as a state, have been through a lot. I’m just asking you to consider: Could we not have a whole-state picnic? Perhaps with a game of Hot Potato and a Barbershop Quartet?

It might do us some good.

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