If I had to say, on a scale of 1 to 10 how angrily irritated I am with my family, I would put me at a 5 for reasons I won’t go into for fear of getting to a 6 or 7. But I have just heard something that has put my irritation in perspective.

My sister-in-law is pregnant.

I swear, no matter how trying these next couple of weeks are, thinking about that makes me smile. I know that makes me a bad person. But, between the flood and the bookcases and the vacation planning in secret behind my back for reasons so stupid I haven’t even bothered to try to figure them out, my ability to give a fuck is broken.

Will my brother bother to try to make sure he’s not put on the birth certificate by virtue of him being her husband?

I am guessing not.

So, hey, I might be an aunt again!

It’s kind of exciting. In the old days, you had to wait until the baby was born to see what gender it was and to finalize a name. In my family, you wait to see who gets put on the birth certificate to see if you’re going to be an aunt again.

Shoot, I hope her boyfriend is smart enough to make sure his name goes on that birth certificate. Lord knows, that baby should not be left under the legal auspices of our family.

Edited to add: Well, I pulled my dad aside and told him that he needs to make sure that my brother understands that a woman’s husband is the presumptive father of her children unless he and the father of said woman’s child and said woman are all on the same page about who goes on the birth certificate and make sure that’s what happens. In response, my dad is considering buying my brother a divorce. This is somewhat outrageous, but also hilarious.

And, at least, a divorce settlement would mean a legal custody arrangement for my nephew and legal recourse if those arrangements aren’t abided by. So, that will be nice.

11 thoughts on “Scoring

  1. Whose vacation are they planning behind your back? Not yours? I’m sorry, but I kinda sorta think that leaves your possibly impending auntdom in the shade for unintentional humor. Though I acknowledge that for you, it’s bound to be the more irritating of the two.

  2. If only the state had some sort of legislation to check the paternity before the father’s name is put on the birth certificate.

  3. Woohoo…I guess I’m at a 4, but the back-to-back family reunions and long drives all over the southeast to be bitchslapped by the one-two of “You should lose weight” and “Have some gravy” are still two weeks away.

    As for the kid, you could be the best thing that happens to him or her, under the circumstances. Here’s hoping that you do get to be in the kid’s life, biologically related or not.

  4. NM, no, not mine. As much as they like to pull Bridgett’s family’s maneuver on me–“You’re so fat/why aren’t you eating?”–they have developed a maneuver that they employ on the Butcher so outrageous and manipulative that it makes that seem like a cake walk. And that is “You’re really fucking things up for everyone since you don’t have a job/I think God has not given you a job because He knows we need your help with this.” This has resulted in the Butcher spending over a third of the time he’s been unemployed out of pocket and dealing with my family’s shit.

    This secret vacation is just a part of the Butcher’s personal hell spilling over onto me.

    Exador, I thought you libertarians were all for personal responsibility. The baby’s actual father can go on the birth certificate if the three people involved make a minimum effort. If they don’t bother to make that minimum effort, I have to assume that they don’t mind what the default is.

  5. Holy crap. What they’re doing to the Butcher is the same thing they’re doing to my brother. My dad’s had to have surgery and their dogs are constantly sick and, and, and. So it’s not like my brother’s had a lot of time to get a job since he’s been dealing with family shit. yet they bitch constantly about his joblessness. Make up your minds, people.

  6. I’m with Lynnster – “buying him a divorce” = hilarious beyond measure — it’s the gift that keeps on giving, no?

  7. My mother would have bought my brother a divorce if he had wanted one (but he didn’t, he’s the same as my dad, men in our family don’t get divorced, no matter what).

  8. My grandparents bought my father a divorce. A really good, easy divorce with low, low child support payments. My grandmother used to brag about it to me. And she wondered why her grandchildren never came to visit.

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