I have the coolest thing to do this afternoon, which is work-related, which is fairly off-topic here. But I am excited. Lunch with nm, exciting work thing, some friends this evening. Parents arrive.
Yes, they are back. And I am going to Georgia with them, which is a long, stupid story, but the short, non-fucked up part, is that after the vacation exploits, I’m less inclined to let them travel by themselves if either the Butcher or I can help it.
And my mom wants to retire after this year, which puts the whole prospect of them actually moving to Georgia in stronger relief.
NM said something to me the other day which really provided me great clarity on the situation, which I have to say, has brought me a great deal of relief. Not because I have any answers, but because I feel like I see a part of the dynamic I had not understood before. I still find their behavior fucked up, but at least now, I see something I hadn’t seen before.
It’s a long story, again, that I won’t bore you with, but basically, my brother did something years ago that I never took personally–not that I wasn’t pissed and scared and grieving and shit, but just that I didn’t think it really had anything to do with me. And I never thought of it as vile, though, really, it was.
I have thought, for a decade, that my dad was trying to stop that from ever happening again–from my brother ever being lost to us (how I experienced it), but he’s been trying to stop my brother from ever doing that to him again. It’s a small distinction, but it means the world. My dad is trying to bribe him with kindness into never hurting him like that again, which makes sense, considering my dad’s past.
It’s like a light has gone on and shown me a corner of my family I knew was there but didn’t get.