I am Still in Awe

So, my feet don’t want to work any more and I had way too much sun and I still don’t feel comfortable talking about work here, but I still have to say this: I ended up behind the “Employees Only” barrier at Hatch Show Print. And I could have wept for joy. I saw two employees mulling over whether they liked what was happening on their test run of a poster for Paul McCartney.

I saw tall walls full of type and print blocks and way back there were stairs that seemed barely weighty enough to even land on the ground.

Well, fuck it. Between this paragraph and the last, my dad came in and I was telling him about my awesome afternoon and I was trying to tell him how sore I was from standing in crappy dress shoes all afternoon and he said “I am you father. It’s not the shoes.” Really? There’s an out of shape you can be that just affects your feet? And that’s more plausible than you wore the wrong shoes?

And then he went in and proclaimed that there was mold on the toilet. Which I just cleaned last weekend, so that must be some hella mold. Yes, mold the color of dirty cat footprints.

Seriously, I have been awake an hour and I am already, apparently, a dirty, fat, liar.

It just fucking pisses me off.

And he’s trying to get the Butcher a boat. Which I can only assume means the trip to Arizona was worse than I heard. Because I should get a motherfucking pony for this shit this morning. Seriously, it’s like his default is ridiculously mean and undermining.

18 thoughts on “I am Still in Awe

  1. Also, being your father makes him a medical expert.


    Apparently being your father DOES make him a really awful houseguest.

  2. Hatch Show Print is truly awesome, I am wearing one of their t-shirts right now. Don’t let him spoil that time for you.

    As we used to say on my bowling team, ‘Shake it off.’

  3. My parents are a steady stream of what I’m doing wrong. They inspect the grandchildren and report things like, “Their fingernails look like claws” and “Their hair is unkempt.” I think it’s the only way they know how to parent.

  4. Um … your father’s trying to show that he’s paying attention?

    I tried to get my sister, who is a printer herself, past that barrier at Hatch Show Prints. They wouldn’t let her in. You got a rare treat.

  5. I agree that you deserve a pony. And I can train it to kick him (and others) in the shins when he says ridiculous hurtful stuff. (You also may respond in kind, i.e., “Oh, there’s something ELSE deadly that I’ve inherited from you?”)

    My Lord, Preacher Dad. Life is SO short. Spend it being kind, especially to the people who love you.

    Much more importantly, B, I am so glad you got to go to Hatch and sneak around and see wonderful cool awesome things. Our favorite aunt deserves that at least every other day, and twice a day on Tuesdays.

  6. Dear B’s Dad – I hereby invite you to stand around in women’s dress shoes for a day. If your feet hurt at the end of the day (and they don’t usually in your regular, flat, men’s shoes), we’ll completely ignore the design of the shoe vs. the design of the human foot, and just call you a fatass. Thanks.

  7. And this is why I love you guys. I get to commiserate a little, laugh a little, and by the time I finish reading the comments, I can just let it go.

  8. At least he didn’t say, “B. I am your father”, and then cut off your hand. Is there anything Star Wars can’t make one feel better about? :-)

  9. Honest to god, when he saw the look of hurt on my face when he repeated, “I am your father,” he did follow it it ‘Luke’ like we were supposed to mutually agree that he had just been teasing.

    I left that part out and the part where he said he wanted to be there when we opened the boxes of books in the garage because he thought it would be funny to see how many of them had been ruined in the flood, because I thought it made him seem like a psychotic asshole.

    Which, he may be, but I can’t stand it.

  10. We actually used Hatch to do our wedding invitations. We got to consult with one of their designers and go behind the ’employees only’ sign too. The whole experience was great and the invites were awesome and not especially expensive. The owner of the venue we used has one on his bulletin board and apparently they constantly get comments about it.

    You aren’t alone on the parental issues. My wife and her brother have been having a lot of similar trouble with her mom. Her dad has a facebook page but it’s apparently camoflauge for her mom. She told me her brother got a message from ‘dad’ yesterday, to paraphrase….. “Don’t be on FB at work. Jobs are hard to get and you owe them 8 hours. Love, Mom.”

    She’s also banned from our house because of various comments about the cleanliness of our house and my wife’s apparent fatness.

  11. Whew, doggie. Your wife and her brother have my sympathy. That sucks. Though I am envious of this whole “banning from house” thing.

    Honestly, I don’t think I’d ever have the guts to do that.

  12. Y’know, this morning on the radio I was listening to some dumbass whine about how children deserve a “natural” family of a male father and a female mother, and The Scary Gays shouldn’t be parents, and I was thinking how almost every straight pair of parents I know have screwed up their kids. I say let’s issue every happily paired off gay couple a kid or two and give them a chance. They’d have to do better than the nonsense your dad and my mom are dispensing.

  13. Gah. That’s horrible.

    What is it about families that this kind of thing is so common, even among adults who seem to be capable of being civil to others, such as coworkers?

    I’ve just given up and taken to avoiding my relatives as much as possible. The ones I miss most are pretty livable by long-distance contact.

  14. She gets exceptions because of the kiddos, but then we usually end up regretting it. She stopped by for a visit the other day and couldn’t stop herself from commenting on how one of the kids was going to fall and break a foot on the toys in the floor. This said in spite of the fact that the toys had been put away when she got there. Apparently we’re supposed to just follow them around and pick up things as soon as the kid drops them.

    My mom’s a bit of a busybody, but she holds her tongue now that I’m married. I think she’s afraid of getting on the wrong side of her daughter in law.

  15. Oh, B’s father!

    Put down that emotion-poking stick and ENJOY the only daughter you’ve got, you cantankerous coot!!!

    Fat is not a sin.

    Being fat is not a sin.

    So often we mistake those words against Gluttony in the Bible to be a condemnation of overweight. Nowhere does the Bible say that being overweight is a sin any more than it calls being black a sin. (hint: it doesn’t.)

    If you have an overweight child of any age you do not help the situation by being derisive and cruel.

    I’m the overweight child of overweight parents. I know. I’ve heard cruel. I’ve heard derisive. All that has done is plant seeds of hate. From people who are supposed to love me and are indeed genetically responsible for my appearance.

    So as your sister in Christ I invite you, through all loving Grace, to cram it where the sun don’t shine.

  16. “So as your sister in Christ I invite you, through all loving Grace, to cram it where the sun don’t shine.” – this is why I love Coble.

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