Always One Rebel in the Bunch

Gentlemen, you might want to go discuss… I don’t know… bleu cheese dressing or something. This post is going to be about boobs. Specifically, my left boob. It has, most of my life, been a fairly normal boob, hanging out there on the front of my body, doing boob things.

But today, Jesus Christ, it tried to assault someone at Wendy’s and, as I was walking back to my car with my food, it was all looking over my shoulder like, “Yeah, that’s right! Next time your ass is mine!” For some reason, just today, it feels like it’s three times the size of my right boob. It’s in the way. It’s back-talking and sassing. It refuses to stay in my bra.

I just don’t even fucking know. If it were a dog, I’d crate it.

Instead, I just have to live with fucking Boobadict Arnold.

10 thoughts on “Always One Rebel in the Bunch

  1. Yeah, Boobadict Arnold is hilarious.

    Not that I’d know but I can imagine.

    Reminds me of the t-shirt: “Of course they’re fake. My real ones tried to kill me.”

  2. Lord God, woman, I am laughing so hard I cannot see.

    I am empathizing with you, but I am still laughing so hard I cannot see.

    Could the Magnificent Boob Freckle actually be an on-off switch and you inadvertently punched “on”?

  3. We have a kitten who tries to crawl into our clothes. Perhaps your breast is Esme’s alter ego?
    Maybe it just doesn’t like the end of summer & is trying to head south for the winter.
    “Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?”

  4. Oh my god, Aunt B, this is just like the House on Siegler Street–you’re being haunted by a chest that moves around on its own!

  5. That completely cracked me up. I have also at times suffered from boob rebellion. I can deal with the occasional wayward, “No bra can contain meeeeeeeee!” bit, but what I really hate is when they gang up on me and decide there shall be no sufficient layers of clothing that can defeat their combined mighty nipple prominence.

  6. Or what about when your nipples decide to be more towards the middle than usual and you pinch one between your arm and the desk?

    Not that that has ever happened to me.

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