The Butcher’s Bad Luck

Gruesome depiction of my death at the hands of a wild hog.

Not only does the Butcher now have my cold, he spent all yesterday cleaning up the garage so I could put my car in there only for me to discover that the garage door won’t open. He said he’d try to figure out what was going wrong today, but I told him that it could wait until he felt better. And he said, “I don’t feel that bad.”

“Yet,” I thought.

I got my flu shot yesterday, so I’ve been feeling a little achy and light-headed today. But the doctor also thought that the cold I had was fucking with my inner ear, too, so that could be part of it. Over at Pith, I mentioned, yet again, the wild boar problem in Tennessee. I know this is a serious problem, but “wild hogs are definitely a major threat to all Tennessee residents” just cracks me up. I imagine some horror movie where Nashville is overrun by angry pigs who can climb stairs. I guess probably up at home a place like Hammock Nation probably would easily fall to angry pigs. But I’m just not feeling the threat here in town.

Will they learn to open doors? Ride the elevator? I don’t think so.

And what if people don’t eat pork? Are they in danger from wild hogs since they won’t eat the contaminated unwild hogs? Will the wild hogs come along and trample the non-pork eaters after they’ve killed the rest of us with their pork-borne pathogens?

I’m telling you right now, first it was vampires and then werewolves and now zombies. Next will be wild hogs.

Killer Wild Hogs from Tennessee.

I am less afraid than I should be because I live with a guy who used to be a butcher. I’m expecting he will save me. Of course, I’m also expecting he’ll be able to figure out how to fix my garage door, so…


I always wondered who would ever use those pig-tail butt-plugs at the Hustler store, but now I’m seeing that we may need to disguise ourselves in order to survive the Hogpocalyse.

6 thoughts on “The Butcher’s Bad Luck

  1. Wild boar can be dangerous in a head-to-head confrontation too. Their tusks are razor sharp. So non-pork-eaters are not safe either. And curly-tailed butt plugs won’t save you either because wild boar have straight tails, not curly ones like domestic pigs ;)

  2. I thought nothing could beat Killer Wild Hogs from Tennesse until I read the word Hogpocalypse. That made my day.

  3. I believe wild hog is some pretty good eating, though. They are harder to hunt than deer, because you can’t use a blind and a corn feeder. Also, they fight back! So your average weekend hunter with a bottle of whiskey is at a definite disadvantage.

    We’ve had “javelina” wild pigs down here in Texas forever; in fact, they’re the animals that gave Old Yeller rabies and led to his having to be shot and traumatize every child who saw that movie. Anyway, they have yet to overrun our towns and cities, or infect all our livestock with deadly diseases.

  4. He brought it on hisself by eating the rest of the pie. He’d be much sicker, but he did clean up the garage.

  5. Pingback: SayUncle » Major threat?

  6. In my part of Texas the wild hogs are a serious problem to everyone who drives.

    Consider driving along a rural two-lane blacktop in the dark. Of course you’re obeying the 65 mph limit. OK, you’re only doing about 68 mph. Suddenly a full-grown male feral hog darts into your path. Your car is going to hit about 400 lb of animal with a very low center of gravity. It’ll do the hog no good, but it could easily put you in the ditch also.

    I see about one or two dead hogs beside the road per month on the way to work, so it isn’t far-fetched to think that I’ll be one of the ones to at least damage the suspension on my F-150 one of these days. In fact, I’ll probably be going home after dark tonight. Don’t tell the hogs.

Comments are closed.