My Mom’s Present to My Dad

Oh, I forgot to tell y’all what my mom got my dad for Christmas, but I was telling S. about it yesterday and she was almost crying about it. So, yes, my parents are in their mid-sixties and fairly liberal. I mention this only to imply that nudity is not a big deal for them. Why, I remember once my friend C. walking into our bathroom only to find my mom cleaning the tub naked.

Kids, you may not believe this, but there was a time when men sat around the house in their underwear, like, in the middle of the afternoon. And not cute boxers, either. It wasn’t weird to go over to a friend’s house and see her dad asleep in a chair in his tighty-whiteys. Whenever folks tell you about the good old days, believe me, they are leaving out the random appearances of underwear of your friends’ dads.

Okay, so over at the motel, my mom gave my dad a present, which he then had to bring over here and call each of his grown children into the back room to see one at a time. It was a see-through red Santa-themed teddy.

My dad’s complaints, in this order:

1. It obviously wasn’t his size.

2. Since it had feathers across the top, it was tangible proof, evidence even, that my mom is trying to kill my dad because he’s allergic to feathers.

But seriously. My parents are always naked. Not always, but Jesus Christ, don’t go into their bedroom without getting verbal confirmation that they are clothed. Because, seriously, they are not just naked, they are naked yakkers. My mom especially is notorious for wanting to have long, important discussions while she’s nakedly flossing her teeth or something.

Seriously, if you can’t see my parents, but they want to talk to you, it’s probably best to just ask them if they have clothes on so that you’re not surprised mid-conversation.

Which brings me to my final point. Of all of the people in the world, why would my mom need a see-through anything? Lord knows, she’d probably wander around for forty-seven minutes naked before putting it on, briefly, to take it off again. If she thought my dad would appreciate seeing her cast in a red hue, she could have just thrown a red scarf over the lamp. Same effect, much cheaper.

11 thoughts on “My Mom’s Present to My Dad

  1. No, I totally get your mom’s thinking. See-thru clothing isn’t about nudity, it’s about doing something “sexy.”

    However if my parents ever (or have ever) get eachother sexy presents, I do NOT want to know about it.

  2. Then my poor mom needs to get an understanding lover, because anyone who knows my dad for longer than three seconds could have predicted that he would be a big dork about it.

    Ha, my mom totally deserves an understanding lover who would be delighted by a see-through negligee. She’d be too embarrassed to get herself one, but she deserves it.

  3. I’m with dolphin.

    Glad he commented first because just agreeing with him was easier than trying to formulate a witty comment about how not only do our style tastes differ greatly but apparently also do our uses of a range of clothing differ.

    And I kinda feel bad for your mom that he didn’t get what she was trying to do. But I feel even worse for you kids since he clearly waited until he took it off her and … before he showed it to y’all.

  4. okay, less creeped out for you. but more sad for her.

    Although, I think if one buys for oneself to wear as a gift for another, then the unwrapping should be the body, not the box. Give your mother that tip for next time.

  5. YOU are more than welcome to risk a naked discussion in order to impart such wisdom on my mom. I already need years of therapy just to help me get over the knowledge of the teddy.

  6. I just have to agree that anything anyone says about things being better “back then” does not take into account the greater amount of friend’s dads in underwear in the olden days. Any way I say this sounds way more creepy than I mean it to be, but I think you get it since you wrote it. :)

  7. OMIGOD, my parents, too. My mom was the worst about Important Discussions While Naked, or also, Here Is a List Of Things You Must Do Which I Shall Give To You While Naked. Dad was very much a whitey-tighteys guy who also thought nothing of emitting thunderous farts around all of my friends.

    Perhaps the best part of this story for me was that it is in relation to another post from a few days back, in which you revealed to the audience that your parents encourage fellow church members to read your blog.

  8. Ha, I know. But here’s the thing–those church folks are my parents’ age. Chances are they won’t be mortified to learn my folks run around naked. They’ll probably be like “Oh, Sally, we should have the Phillipses over for naked important discussion night. I don’t know what those kids are prattling on about. I’m reading Aristotle naked right now so that I can discuss him with the guys at the gym. Doesn’t everyone?”

    Oh lord, and the farting. My dad used to walk through malls farting like it was his marching band instrument.

  9. I concur with The Professor. The gift really should have been your mother in the teddy, rather than the teddy itself. But I’m with both of ya’ll on being sad for your mother. I don’t care how long they’ve been together, trying something new sexually is often really opening up a vulnerable spot and an utter rejection of it can really sting.

  10. I need therapy after reading this post, and they aren’t even my parents – I’ve never even met them. Betsy, I can’t even imagine.

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