Vast Regional Generalizations Ahead

I don’t want to embarrass anyone, so I’m not going into specifics, but I also want to write about this, because I’m totally stealing it as a tactic. So, I’m out with friends, one of whom has been noticeably down and not in the “I’m going to write poetry and listen to the Cure” way but in the “One more thing and I’m going to start beating people with the people I beat just before them” way.

So, my Southern friend says “blah blah blah, we’ve noticed things aren’t okay and we’re concerned about you.”

And the other friend says, “No, I’m fine, really.”

Now, if we were all Midwestern, the Silence of You’re Totally Bullshitting Us would have descended. If you’re from the Midwest or related to Midwesterners, you’ve experienced this and you know the level of how much we think you’re bullshitting us is indicated by how long the Silence of You’re Totally Bullshitting Us goes on. Then, we all talk about you behind your back until word gets back to you and you realize we have concerns.


You: I’m thinking of having a baby with Mike “The Killer” Jones, so he won’t forget about me while I’m in jail.

The Midwest: Oh, that seems like a bad idea.

You: But I love him.

The Midwest takes a long drink from their beer/tea/water/coffee and the Silence of You’re Totally Bullshitting Us (and Possibly Yourself) descends. You respond with the Silence of Fuck You, I Know What I’m Doing and then we move on to discuss whoever is not present and talk about the ways they’re totally trying to bullshit us and possibly themselves.

You leave. The Midwest talks some smack about you. It gets back to you. The Midwest thinks he’s wrong for you. Why are you going to jail in the first place? Are you trying to break your mother’s heart? Etc. And you consider it and feel like “Well, the Midwest’s heart is in the right place. Maybe it has some points.”

But here in the South?! Apparently they have this move called “No, now, I know this is making you uncomfortable, but I’m not going to let this go. I’m worried about you.”

Which you do in place of any of our various Silences. And can say multiple times.

My mind is still blown.

2 thoughts on “Vast Regional Generalizations Ahead

  1. You nailed the Midwestern thing, as far as I’ve experienced it. But, in the South, do they keep talking and making you talk about it (whatever “it” is)? Good grief. I prefer the Silence of You’re Totally Bullshitting Us. Good thing I yam where I yam.

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