Blah blah blah Anxiety

If the Butcher can’t get his car fixed, I can’t go to Illinois.  And, if I can’t go to Illinois, that’s going to throw a kink in some things. Also, I feel bad about the dog being home all day, even though I know she’s sleeping and fine. And I have a bunch of people I want to see this weekend and I really feel like I should be doing some stuff at least in the side bed where the bluebells are, because they’re already above ground. And the quilt. Ugh, the quilt. And I need to get some seeds started inside. And I wonder if I should buy my haybales now so that they can get good and wet or if I should wait until April. Probably wait, right?



Help me, Nashville internet. I drive a Toyota I bought from Beaman. For obvious reasons, it will be a cold day in Hell before I give them any more of my money. I need brakes. Preferably in the Vandy area. Any recommendations?

Random Fleeting Thoughts

1. It really does smell bad in this house.

2. The Butcher and I were at dinner last night talking about fucked up things and I was saying how the wrestling team at one of the schools I went to high school with, as part of their hazing ritual, raped the new kids with a mop or broom and he said that this was the reason he didn’t go out for wrestling at one of the schools he went to high school at–because it was widely known you had to go through that as the new kid on the team.

I don’t know what I really want to say about that except to say that people are fucked up.

3. I wrote myself an email the other day. Mostly to remind myself to take my pills, but also to discuss with myself whether I’ve done enough to hold open the possibility–in my novel–of reading Lurancy as God. I am not interested in writing an expressly Christian book and I’m not interested in Christians reading it and finding some level of comfort, of “oh, but look! God was there and God did care!” I’m actually trying to get at a different set of problems. Yes, there’s the “Where is God when bad things are happening to me?” theological question. And that is, indeed, a question Hannah has.

But what I’m trying to get at is that, when you have a situation that is as fucked as church and religious beliefs can be, it can become impossible to recognize Transcendent Goodness when It is in the room with you, holding your hand. That as long as you’re only telling yourself one story about how God and, say, the Devil are, you have no way to recognize, say, God, when you come across God in the guise of a little old lady’s ghost.

4. So, yeah, I bore the Butcher with a lot of book talk, too. And we were talking about whether ministers can be honest with churches and he laughed and was like “no.” But then he asked if he was the only one of us three kids who got that the way to survive was just to pretend to be someone the church congregation could like and hide your real you from them. And I said “yes.”

5. They shot Justin Bieber on CSI last night. Do they regularly gun down minors on network TV? I couldn’t remember seeing a case where the good guys were framed as justified and unbothered by killing a kid before. Strange.