Oh, Dad

My dad called me up this afternoon to tell me that he and my mom had decided that, if we couldn’t get the washer fixed this weekend, they would just buy us one. I wanted to turn him down, but, well, I also really want to be able to wash my clothes.

The thing that broke my heart is that he had like five hundred reasons why I should take the money–that they’d given a lot of money to my brothers and this would even it out, that they wanted to be able to stop here and wash their clothes without worry when they are traveling now that they’ll both be retired, that my dad was especially fond of my washer, because it had a big tub (though I don’t know why that would mean he had to replace it), that ten years is about the life span of a washing machine according to the dude on WGN and we might not be able to fix it.

And I could say no, but he’d just send the money anyway.

So, instead I said, “Don’t worry, Dad, after you die the Butcher and I are just going to get our brother and prop him up in the corner like you’d do with any wildly expensive piece of art.”

And he got all weird! “Hey, now, we gave you the downpayment for your house.”

“Dad, Dad, you know I’m not keeping tally. I would not keep tally even if you wanted me to.”

Lord almighty, our family has enough problems without someone sitting around making sure everyone is getting an equal share. And I will happily take a new washing machine, in which I will wash my clothes and think of my dad.

I’m still not telling him exactly what my book is about until that day in the far future when I sign a book contract for it, though.

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I Think People Are Being a Little Hard on the Candie’s Foundation in Regard to Bristol Palin

Okay, yes, they are a non-profit to which people donate. And yes, they did pay Bristol Palin over a quarter of a million dollars while distributing only $35,000 in grant money to programs designed to actually help prevent teen pregnancy, the ostensible purpose of the Candie’s Foundation.

But people! Is not Bristol Palin a teen? Have not further pregnancies on her part been prevented? Sure, $262,500 is a lot of money to pay a woman not to have a baby, but it works!

Is there not some lesson we can learn from this?

Thinking….

Thinking…

Thinking…

Oh, yes, I’ve got it. If a teenage girl has adequate education on how one gets pregnant and how to prevent herself from getting pregnant, and has the resources, she won’t have kids until she’s ready!

So, if we teach teenagers how women get pregnant and what are effective measures for preventing those pregnancies and we give them the resources to access those preventative measures…

Oh, I know. Ridiculous. That could never work.

Can moles swim?

The dog and I had to check out the tree on our walk, of course. We discovered that birds do not give a shit that their old home is now horizontal, they were happy in there until we got right up close and then they all came pouring out.

The other thing I noted is that the hole the tree came out of is still filled with water. On the one hand, that’s not surprising, considering how wet that part of the yard is all summer. On the other hand, it did make me wonder about the moles, who seem to inhabit primarily the wettest parts of the yard.

How do they keep their tunnels from filling up with water? Are moles secretly semi-aquatic? Do they sit around, then, in their little mole living rooms and fight about whether Wes Anderson’s follow-up to The Fabulous Mr. Fox–The Life Semi-Aquatic is way over-rated or way under-rated?

And, of course, why don’t the cats eat them? It’s not as if we don’t already find piles of tiny intestines by either door. Ha, I swear, if you were tiny, coming to our house would be so gruesome.

Anyway, I told my intelligent design joke over at Pith and one of the replies is really sweet in a way. I wonder if I should tell him about men and women coming from trees in the first place and lying on the beach until the gods took an interest?