Source's identity has been altered to preserve anonymity.
This morning, on WPLN, Mike Turner was featured making a hare-brained comment about Wiccans in the debate about the “teaching the controversy!” science bill.
“What we’ve said here today, is that you can teach something else, but we haven’t actually defined what they can teach. And I think that’s dangerous. I think it’s dangerous if you had a teacher that believes in Wicca, for instance, up there, injecting what they may think is an alternative form of creationism.”
Yes, I know! It’s shocking. But true. The rest of us pagans have long warned that Wiccans were just waiting to inject a dangerous alternative form of creationism into the science classes of our state. Truly now, the only thing that can stop Wiccans from dangerously injecting things into science classes is for the State Legislature to send me cookies.
Which, um… I will… um… eat… um… and share with the Wiccans as we laugh at your dumb asses?
Anyway, due to my connections in the pagan community, I was able to track down a godless heathen who works closely with Turner. He agreed to talk with me if I took moves to obscure his identity and so I have given him a tiny mustache and a hat and I will call him Mr. M.
Me: Mr. M. Is it true that you don’t believe in evolution?
Mr. M.: Absolutely not. I’ve never seen anything evolve.
Me: And am I correct in my information that you are a pagan?
Mr. M.: Absolutely. I believe in a pantheon of gods–Norelco, Gillette, Bic, Schick, you know, the old powerful ones.
Me: And can you tell us a little about your religious rites? Anything that’s not too secret to share?
Mr. M.: Sure. Every day, I dip myself in anything Mike Turner eats or drinks, and then I offer it up to the great Food Goddess–Napkin.
Me: Oh, that’s rather lovely.
Mr. M.: And it works to keep Mike Turner alive.
Me: And we are glad about that. What is the creation story you believe in?
Mr. M. [who is suddenly and irately shaking his tiny fist at me]: It’s not a story. It’s the truth! I have witnessed it many times. We rise up out of the earth. We grow to glorious fulfillment and then we are cut down. Our shape and form is determined by whim! Not by nonsense like “evolution!” How can a musta… I mean a man evolve? You are what you are grown to be.
Me: Okay, sorry. Calm down.
Mr. M. [Composes himself]: Sure, sure. Go on.
Me: So, what would make the teaching of your theory of the origins of man, to use Turner’s term, “dangerous”?
Mr. M.: Because anyone who got it wrong or made fun of it would get popped right in the kisser by me.
Me: That does sound dangerous. Would all pagans be punching people in the mouths if they got their creation stories wrong?
Mr. M. [shrugging]: I’m working on convincing Turner to file a bill requiring all science teachers to punch everybody in the mouth.
Me: That sounds like a terrible idea!
Mr. M.: Yeah, but sometimes he does stuff without really thinking it through. I think I can sneak it past him.
Me: Mr. M., you are not very nice.
Mr. M.: I don’t have to take this crap. This interview is over.
Tiny Cat Pants 
It’s been a long week for me in the world of comparative religious studies. I’ve read two Christian novels, the themes of which revolved heavily on being at war with people of other races and faiths.
I have taken a lot of criticism over the years from fellow Christians who think I’m too “soft” on other religions. Perhaps I am. But I think there is real stuff out there to fear and to fight. This monocultural nonsense about ::horrors:: being exposed to different ideas is wearing extremely thin with me.
I think your “interview” is funny, but otherwise I think there must be something in the water.
not knowing exactly from where mr. turner’s head comes (?), being a yankee and gathering any tennessee wisdom i have from a short 6 month stint in nashville a few years ago and what i can glean from (GASP) readers posts and comments, i can honestly say that the above mr. turner quote makes absolutely no sense to me.
or am i to assume that he perceives any other religion’s creation views as dangerous?
Dag gum B. I was just trying to point out that someone might teach something other than the Judeo-Christian concept of creation, which is a the only alternative the Right wants. Which I now think they can if this bill passes. I didn’t mean to offend witches. With the Wiccan movement, Joining the Tea Baggers and the Repubs, I don’t have a chance in 2012.
I’m so glad you wrote about this. I think half of Nashville listening to NPR this morning were yelling at the radio. :P
Mike: I’m sure most people hearing the comment knew what you meant, it just is a sorta irksome thing to hear from someone on our side :p
Mike, you know I love you and I’m sure if the Republicans keep running guys who like to step in cow shit and then show movies of it to the public against you, you’ll be fine in 2012.
But you’re on our side–the side of the freaks and the weirdos and the folks people find scary and unseemly. You’re all we’ve got. Any chance we have of making a home and thriving in Tennessee comes because you Democrats stand up for us.
And, yeah, I know (as I think do most of us) that it’s not easy to defend people you don’t really understand and who even you are probably sometimes squicked out by.
But that’s the job we need you to do. You don’t have to love us. But please, when you’re drawing back your arm to throw a punch, don’t elbow us in the face.
It makes having your back less appealing if everyone who stands behind you ends up with a bloody nose.
i do apologize mr. turner. no offense meant.
Look I not afraid of witches, I celebrate Halloween, I don’t think it’s the Devil’s Holiday. Now the repubs are scared to death of Wicca, and any other form of religion. It seems some people are more offended by me trying to scare the repubs into not voting for The Monkey bill than they were offended by the Monkey Bill itself. It’s Cold and Lonely in the Trenches. Qui Sera Sera. Hey B. Blogger Day on the Hill a week from this Wednesday, hope you can make it.
And leave my Lip hair alone.
Mike,
I’m not a Republican. But it is offensive to see you call them “repubs” and to see you generalize that they all are scared of Wicca.
I’m not meaning to be harsh. But I figure you’d like to know.
Regardless, it is great that you are open enough to stay engaged with the constituency.