Cats are Annoying

I swear, if a dog misses breakfast, you know it’s time to turn out the search party. Dogs do not miss breakfast. I mean, even think about it. The idea that you’d do something at a set time pretty regularly and a dog would not at least stick his head in to see if it was happening? I think a dog could be in the middle of a giant dog orgy–sex, stinky things to roll in, goose poop far and wide for the eating, a whole area devoted to crotch licking where people who are thoroughly grossed out by it are forced to listen. I’m talking a dog Bacchanalia here.

Dogs carrying on in ways that would make Dionysus blush and your dog could be right in the middle of that and if he heard you dropping food into his bowl, he’d be all “BRB” to his buddies and come and check it out. (Yes, it’s a little known, but self-apparent fact that dogs communicate much like pre-teens, except for instead of LOLing, they’re always BOLing.)

Cats, though? If a cat’s not their for breakfast, who the fuck knows why? I mean, even if a cat shows up for breakfast, he could do like the orange cat and be all “Um, fuck that shit. I only eat the chunky kind” and walk away.

But when the new kitty did not show up for breakfast yesterday and then did not show up for lunch and did not show up when I hollered at her before I went to bed, I freaked the fuck out. I mean, sure, you’re bound to lose a cat every once in a while. But two cats? You loose two cats too close together and it’s unseemly.

And I may have been a little sick to my stomach about it on our walk this morning–speaking of which, they’ve tilled part of the pasture behind us. And that’s good dirt in there! It’s funny. You think that little creek running through the yard is just a kind of bullshit creek, but it is running, at least out back, between two very different kinds of dirt. On our side of the creek, the dirt is tan and very clay-like. On the far side of the creek it’s deep, dark brown, almost black. I’m excited to see what he puts in there.

Anyway, so I was all worried about the new cat and whether she would disappear and I would never see her again, like Stella, rest her soul.

But when I got back to the house, she was already inside, annoyed that breakfast was late.

I said, “Where have you been?!”

But apparently she thought it was none of my business, because she was silent on the matter.

20 thoughts on “Cats are Annoying

  1. The rule at my house is ‘you show up for meals or I will come and find you’. I’ve lost 2 cats to coyotes and sometimes a (not-mine)tom will tree someone.

    The new rule is if you’ve had a diminishing appetite you’re going to the vet. I had one cat die from renal failure-within 4 days of finding out-whose only symptom had been eating a little less. And within a month another cat got pickier about his food and yep- more renal failure. He’s maintaining so far although he DOES NOT LIKE the sub-q fluids.

    So right now I’m all kinds of paranoid about the cats eating. And if the dogs ever missed a meal it would really really be worrying……

  2. This is part of the reason why I’ve been reluctant to adopt a new kitten: they get lost. My 11-year-old, ten pound cat gets lost — in my apartment.

  3. My cat is on crack.

    This is our daily routine, written in a play format.

    me: rolling out of bed, cat howls.

    me: in bathroom, cat walks up to door and howls.

    me: “what’s wrong?”

    cat: looks at me and howls

    me: “ok, show me what’s wrong?” – I follow cat to kitchen. he periodically stops and looks back to make sure I am following him.

    we both stand over completely full food bowl & water bowl.

    me: walk away

    If aliens are watching me, they are convinced intelligent life does not live here.

  4. Our cats are indoor only, but they do NOT miss meals. They generally start begging (in that cat way of begging where there just make their presence known without acting too interested in anything in particular) about a half hour before feeding time.

  5. I had 19 cats (yes, at once. We lived in the country and I love cats) when I was a teenager. They were very laid back about life and had little tolerance for formal structure, doing exactly what they wanted when they wanted. I put food out for them because I’m not a jerk, but they preferred to live off all the rodentia in the acres of forest and creek land we had.

    I learned to be a libertarian from them.

    I developed an allergy to cats when I was 19, and have switched to dogs. Dogs are definitely better for the ego, but I miss the “maybe I’ll stop by later” vibe that makes cats so cattish.

  6. My cats and dogs are backwards. My cats start meowing and knocking on doors at 9 PM every night and 7 AM every morning if food doesn’t show up by then. My dogs, on the other hand, they show up to eat (except Tiny who doesn’t really care if there’s food or not) when I put food in the bowl, but they don’t get all irate if I’m late. Not like the cats, who get a little scary if I’m seriously late.

  7. I really can’t handle it even when I can’t find the cats inside the house. Aside from the potential dangers to the cats, it would be bad for my own mental health for me to let them outside. This Saturday, I couldn’t turn up one of them, and used the final trick of rattling the catnip bag – never did figure out where that little stinker was hiding, he just magically appeared.

  8. I’m convinced my cats have discovered a portal that lets them get from somewhere upstairs down into the kitchen without actually having to use the stairs. All four of my cats are huge and three of them are fat as hell, but I’ll be damned if they don’t show up out of nowhere every couple weeks and make me question my sanity.

    I also think scientists should study cats for their ability to squeeze into small spaces. My four-foot-long, 15-lb Maine Coon finds the tiniest holes in my house to hide in and it drives me insane when I know she’s somewhere indoors but I can’t see her unless I get a flashlight and go looking inside boxes and under furniture.

  9. I really can’t handle it even when I can’t find the cats inside the house.

    I couldn’t handle that either. It’d make me have six nervous breakdowns before breakfast.

  10. My tomcat regularly disappears for a couple of days at a time. I never know if an owl got him, or if he’s just out having fun. I try not to worry too much. It’s his life, & I love him enough that I want him to enjoy it, & go out when & how he will.
    The tom kitten doesn’t go out unsupervised, though; he’s too young & stupid for that (for now).

  11. I agree, Budd. I know it doesn’t work for everyone, but we have a huge yard and the amount of peeing that happens in the house but not in the litter box is “none” when the cats can go outside. When we tried to keep the orange cat indoors all the time, he did a lot of creative peeing I didn’t appreciate.

  12. “Creative peeing” is why if I say something tastes like cat pee I know what I’m talking about.

    And I’ve finally evicted a mouse that a cat brought in-he spit it out so he could eat. Sigh.

  13. The corner we live on is entirely too traficked for me to be comfortable letting the boys have the run of the place. We occasionally let them out in the back yard if we’re out there, but Willie has taken to stalking the nesting robins, so they’re back inside until baby season is over. For an animal the size and shape of a small planet, that sucker can MOVE when he wants to.

  14. Ivy: That’s how my house works too. Weird.

    B: My outdoor cat is worthless with hunting but, as I think you know, my chihuahua (accidentally?) killed a baby bunny the day before Easter 2 years ago. We don’t get moles in the ‘burbs, thankfully.

  15. I keep my cats indoors. I don’t think I have moles, either. I think it has something to do with living in a place where some woman started digging in her backyard and found a dump truck buried in her backyard. No, seriously, that happened here. Viva La Vergne!

  16. Holy cow. Does she get to keep the dump truck? My god, can they even move it without ruining her yard or did she just have to leave it there.

    txmere. Ugh. Baby bunnies will break your heart. They’re so cute and they get themselves into “oops I got killed’ situations all the damn time.

  17. If you people keep your cats indoors, who kills your moles?

    That’s part of the reason we keep our cats indoors. Gryphon would be a bird catcher for sure (I’ve seen him do an at least 5 foot vertical leap to catch a thrown toy in mid air before). We keep them inside not only for their own safety but because I’m not too keen on releasing a non-native predator into the environment. Not that keeping my two out of the environment is gonna make any real difference, but might as well not contribute further to the problem.

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