It’s all Hank Williams Junior’s Fault

Have I told y’all my “Hank Williams Junior is the nexus of everything that’s wrong with white people” theory? Ha, well, shoot, the whole theory is right there in the title. I should give it a shorter name, like “The Bocephus Theory” and then, when you got to the part that explained it, I could say “it’s the theory that, while not to blame for everything that is wrong with white people, Hank Jr. is at the hub of it, the axle around which it all spins.

Now, we could argue for days about whether Junior is intentionally spinning the wheel or if he’s just a cog in a cosmic machine of “country people are better than city people,” “we hate effete farts,” “heritage, not hate,” “let’s drop eight thousand names in our mediocre country song,” etc. etc. But let’s not fight.

Instead, let’s petition Congress to give Hank Junior immunity from prosecution for justifiable upside-the-head slapping. Yes, let’s let Junior right his wrongs here on earth. When Kid Rock says “I love black people,” Hank Jr. could go slap him upside the head. When Blake Shelton is all “I think tweeting violent homophobia is funny!” Junior could go slap him upside the head. When Republicans are all “We want to make the prospect of having sex so scary for women that straight guys can’t get laid ever again!!!!” here would come Hank Jr. with a wrist flip to the back of the head for them all.

Hank, these young men grew up emulating you! It’s on you to go straighten them out.

13 thoughts on “It’s all Hank Williams Junior’s Fault

  1. So, you’d rather we ignore our heritage & just start hating our friends? Puzzling.

  2. Hmm, Budd, now I have a sub-theory that the prospect of being slapped upside the head by Bocephus may be so enticing to some people that they deliberately try to consternate me so that I will put them on the list and them move them higher up.

    It won’t work, man!

    Of course I can’t be trusted to keep the list. It’d be all John Rich and Stacey Campfield all the time.

    The list is going to someone who can be a fair judge–Beyonce.

  3. Beyonce might be fair, but I think there’s good comic potential in letting Hank III make/be responsible for the list, say for like two weeks a year. It could be like sort of upside head slapping holiday for everyone. They could televise it.

  4. I don’t know what their relationship is like now, but there was a time when, if Hank III had the list, Hank Jr. would have spent those two weeks non-stop slapping himself upside the head.

    So, yeah, there might be some good value in that.

  5. Yes, I was imagining something like that. Multiple, um, participants and then Hank Jr. Having up-slap his own self between each other player.

    Or the Ghost of Johnny Cash, “Now, son, I’m not gonna make you slap yourself, or anyone else while I’m here. I’m just gonna sing this very sad song about what you’ve done until you’ve cried yourself to sleep and wake up a better person.”

  6. I would just like to say that, since I posted this, Blake Shelton has apologized for his tweets.

    The hand of Bocephus at work?

  7. That “apology” was — lacking. Bless his mama’s heart.

    Now can we turn the Invisible Hand of Bocephus on that magistrate judge who’s advocating corrective rape of military servicemembers who are lesbians?

  8. Pingback: SayUncle » Yes, we hate effete farts

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