I Don’t Like Things

I didn’t learn to ride a bike until I was in 5th grade. I tried, every summer, but I just couldn’t get the hang of it (I suspect, in retrospect, this has a physical cause). Then, finally, I did. And I liked the freedom it gave me, but I never really liked it. I was always afraid I was going to fall. And, once I got my driver’s license, I don’t think I rode a bike again.

But I’m thinking of one summer, before I actually got it, when we were out on the driveway and I don’t remember anyone pushing me into practicing. Like neither of my parents were forcing me to ride my bike, but I remember one of them being behind me as I was on training wheels and I remember crying and them saying “You’re doing it, look, you’re doing it,” but I was crying too had to care. All I wanted was to get off that motherfucking bike and never get back on.

This is a metaphor for my morning.

One Thing I Like about the Greater Disappointment

I wrote about how there’s not going to be a Rapture tomorrow for Pith. One thing that I do appreciate about this Disappointment is the shout-out to the original. In 1844, they all thought the end of the world was October 22nd and this time, after the Rapture tomorrow, the world will end on October 22nd. It kind of vindicates Miller, if it happens.

Of course, it’s not happening. But, like I said at Pith, of all the fucked-up things people get stuck on, this, to me, is one of the most understandable. It’s hard to look around at the terrible things happening in the world, the horrible suffering on such wide scale, and how we’ve developed so many gruesome ways to kill each other and think that this can be sustainable. Not just sustainable, but it’s hard to believe that Someone isn’t going to step in and say “Enough.”

Yes, I think there’s a huge strain of “And wait until you discover that God always did love me best!” going on, too. But I think that fundamental impulse to believe the world is going to end is just an understandable response to how difficult and complicated the world is.

It’s why, I think, you have to throw yourself in with happiness, when you can. Happiness is really revolutionary, and not in the “Take down governments” way, but in the “make some room in this old world for a spot where your soul cannot utterly be crushed.”

I don’t know. I find the world a depressing place, but I sing anyway, you know. Have dinner with my friends. Write things that amuse me. Not because I think those are the things you should do, but because that’s the way I make it bearable for me.

Which, yes, typed out, sounds depressing, but I feel it as a sacred commitment. Find beauty, be happy. Make it as hard as possible for this world to break you. Go down with a fight.