I finally decided today, upon coming back to work after being out of the office since Thursday noon, that there’s something not quite right with my right eye. I don’t know if it’s my contact or my eye or what, but it’s not working.
The thing I find most intriguing, though, and I can’t stop fucking with it, is that, when I look out of both eyes, I have the sense that something isn’t right. I don’t know how to explain it. I feel like something’s wrong, but everything looks fine.
But here I am, my normal distance away from my computer and when I shut my right eye, I can see the screen fine, though maybe the letters look a little thin. When I shut my left eye, things are blurry, some things are slightly doubled, and I can actually start to see the blackness in my shared field of vision, I actually notice what my left I would normally see. I don’t really see this with my left eye. It isn’t missing the contribution of my right.
But what really freaks me out is that, say I’m sitting here, as I am, facing forward. When I shut my left eye, I can see that things in my peripheral vision to the right are blurry, as they are, because my right eye is fucked. But when my left eye is open, they are not. Same with this text. I can see–left eye clear; right eye strange blurry mess; both eyes open, fine.
Which means part of why I’m off-kilter is that I somehow am aware of how much my brain is just making shit up. Somehow, my brain is showing me a clear world, and also somehow signalling me that something is amiss with my vision, which causes me to frequently wink to convince myself, yep, something’s fucked.
It’s amazing. My brain is hell-bent on showing me what I expect to see–clarity.
It’s sometimes a little scary to realize how illusory our perceptions are. I mean, I can prove to myself I’m not seeing what I know I’m seeing, but I’m still seeing it. I see clearly out of both eyes, even though I don’t.
Anyway, I’m hoping she can just clean this lens and give me some drops or something and we’ll be good as new. But I’m worried that my eye is producing toxic sludge that eats contacts, which is really just a step down from needing blood in order to grow another pair of legs.