I came home to find the dog sitting in the middle of the driveway, smiling happily at me, “Oh, you’re home, too!” she seemed to be saying.
And I said, “What’s wrong with your eye, silly dog?”
But she was busy saying “You’re home, you’re home! Let’s go inside!”
And so I tried to look at it more closely, but of course she was all, “Well, okay, if you’re going to touch me, why don’t you rub my belly?”
So, her poor eye. It’s all swollen up. I can’t tell if she got stung by something or if she’s having an allergy attack or what. But she’s in fine spirits and so I gave her some Benadryl and we’ll see if it helps.
I told the Butcher how I had gas so bad yesterday that I almost passed out and had to instant message Rachel to check and make sure I wasn’t going to die and he said “You tell me all the time you’re going to tell me an awesome story and you never do. But today? Today that’s truly an awesome story.”
Edited to add: I think it’s unclear from the story, so one would be excused if one believed I had let a fart so toxic that it caused me to almost pass out. Sadly, no, it was nothing that exciting. I was farting like a motherfucker and having really weird, unsettled burps, and my stomach made this gurgling noise and I had this discomfort, like a burp trying to get out, and so I kind of shifted in my seat to make room for it and the whole world started to go black and I felt like I was unwillingly falling asleep, which caused me to slump over a little, which shifted back whatever had been shifted wrong and then, tada! I was completely conscious again. But no burp.
Edited again to add: My god, no wonder the Pith commenters think I suck. Ha ha ha ha ha. I’m still going to leave that part about farting like a motherfucker, though.