I admit, I spent much of my morning gnawing on the splintery bone of bitterness. I feel like I’m fucking up in some way I can’t put my finger on–that there’s some obvious right thing to do and I cannot figure it out, therefore can’t do it.
And I know that’s bullshit, but I still feel it.
I’m grouchy, too, because, and I know this is stupid and ugly, but you know, my cousin was a magnanimous bullshitter with a huge substance abuse problem and it pisses me off that he’s dead in the ground and other people get grand public redemptions. And everyone still loves them and they still get to breathe air.
And I know one thing doesn’t have to do with the other. It’s not like that dude has the spot my cousin should have had. It’s not that way. And it’s not like my cousin didn’t also have a million chances. But man, sometimes, I’m jealous just the same.
And I’m so pissed, still, all these years later, following his kids on Facebook, looking at pictures of his grandkids, that he fucking did that to himself.
And I am afraid that he won’t be the only one in our family, you know? I mean, so far, so good, but people are dumbasses. And you hear some shit out of the living ones sometimes, like, oh, earlier this week, that makes you wonder how we’ve made it this far without losing more of us.
I’m also pissed that people in my Twitter stream are all “Oh, have you read this awesome book. It’s so awesome about feminism.” And yes, I get that, once there’s been a big blow-up, people will come out to show that they are not among the ones that fucked up. But you know, I don’t live in New York City and I don’t give my credit card number to places I don’t know anything about. My finances are not such that I can take that risk, no matter how small.
So, even if it is interesting to me, I guess I have to hope that somehow some library around here is going to get it.
So, yeah, I’m feeling too old, too low class, and too geographically challenged to even be on the wrong ends of the feminist brouhahas.
I guess I should just accept that and move on.