I’m Surly

I admit, I spent much of my morning gnawing on the splintery bone of bitterness. I feel like I’m fucking up in some way I can’t put my finger on–that there’s some obvious right thing to do and I cannot figure it out, therefore can’t do it.

And I know that’s bullshit, but I still feel it.

I’m grouchy, too, because, and I know this is stupid and ugly, but you know, my cousin was a magnanimous bullshitter with a huge substance abuse problem and it pisses me off that he’s dead in the ground and other people get grand public redemptions. And everyone still loves them and they still get to breathe air.

And I know one thing doesn’t have to do with the other. It’s not like that dude has the spot my cousin should have had. It’s not that way. And it’s not like my cousin didn’t also have a million chances. But man, sometimes, I’m jealous just the same.

And I’m so pissed, still, all these years later, following his kids on Facebook, looking at pictures of his grandkids, that he fucking did that to himself.

And I am afraid that he won’t be the only one in our family, you know? I mean, so far, so good, but people are dumbasses. And you hear some shit out of the living ones sometimes, like, oh, earlier this week, that makes you wonder how we’ve made it this far without losing more of us.

I’m also pissed that people in my Twitter stream are all “Oh, have you read this awesome book. It’s so awesome about feminism.” And yes, I get that, once there’s been a big blow-up, people will come out to show that they are not among the ones that fucked up. But you know, I don’t live in New York City and I don’t give my credit card number to places I don’t know anything about. My finances are not such that I can take that risk, no matter how small.

So, even if it is interesting to me, I guess I have to hope that somehow some library around here is going to get it.

So, yeah, I’m feeling too old, too low class, and too geographically challenged to even be on the wrong ends of the feminist brouhahas.

I guess I should just accept that and move on.

10 thoughts on “I’m Surly

  1. “So, yeah, I’m feeling too old, too low class, and too geographically challenged to even be on the wrong ends of the feminist brouhahas.” – that’s a feminist blogosphere problem, not a B problem.

  2. Even those of us 100 miles to the north of NYC feel too geographically peripheral to be taken notice of. I find it kind of liberating to be free of other people’s self-important dramas. (Gives me time and space to create my own self-important dramas…)

    The internut used to be an agora of accidental meetings. Now, we’ve managed to create a high school hallway where most of us just scurry place to place and try not to get our titties twisted.

  3. I think surliness and heat go hand in hand. Not that the underlying issues you are responding to aren’t real, and not that they wouldn’t piss you off no matter what. But I think the heat adds to it. I mean, some of these hotter mornings I even wake up annoyed.

  4. “I think surliness and heat go hand in hand.” – Yes, this. I called my mom on the appointed weekly day, and told her, “I’m sorry, I’m too cranky to talk.”

  5. “So, yeah, I’m feeling too old, too low class, and too geographically challenged to even be on the wrong ends of the feminist brouhahas.”

    so many lols so much empathy

  6. I’ve been avoiding the internet out of surliness (last week) and am just dipping a toe in this week.

    But I’m still surly enough to say that I agree with everyone else so far on the topic of feminism. I still can’t understand why the current state of feminism more closely mirrors cliquishness than the dream of female equality.

    I like to think of those Hot Spot feminists as Hot House feminists who think they’re doing the important stuff because they are Where Everyone Else Is and Where It’s At and Leading the Conversation.

    Meanwhile those of us who live out here and get to be feminists in The Rest Of The World and do it without a clubhouse or a wine bar to retreat to actually end up getting more done.

    As for the addict thing–which is another topic altogether–I think I kind of get where you are at with the Grand Redemption thing. I do like it when addicts I know are able to get sober and struggle to lead a sober life. It’s hard to do and I like it when my friends take on hard things–whether they succeed or fail.

    But I really dislike (and I’ve said this often) the whole idea of someone who has gotten clean being lionised for it. Being adorned with a triumphal status. Life is hard for everyone. Every single person has mountains to climb. A lot of people manage to climb those mountains (or walk around them) in such a way that doesn’t fuck over those who depend on them, who are close to them. I am not a big fan of considering someone heroic just because they stop fucking over their parents, [spouses, kids, coworkers, mortgage company] eventually.

    I appreciate them, yes. Lauding them? Not so much.

  7. Bridgett, I think that’s right on. It does feel like these fights are now more high school clique wars than even intellectual turf wars.

    But man, it makes me mad when folks are like “white feminists need to read x” and “x” is only available for sale in stores in New York City.

    Great. I would like to read “x.” It sounds great and important.

    And then when white feminists are all “Oh, I read x! It’s so great!”

    Again, good for you. It does sound great and important.

    I live in Tennessee. So…

    Ha, I even had an extra cookie at lunch and I am still surly! What kind of surliness can’t be cured by two chocolate chip cookies?!

  8. Yes. Apparently it’s not a story you should read after sweating your balls off walking the dog and coming home in a grouchy mood.

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