It’s disgusting outside. If I thought New Salem was like walking in the sweaty ass-crack of Lincoln, it was only because I hadn’t yet lived to see today. I guess this would be like walking in the sweaty ass-crack of Jackson, which means that, instead of believing you might possibly see a President/Ann Rutledge/Joshua Speed threesome before you finally succumb to the heat, you feel the momentary exhilaration of a man who loves a fat woman who smokes a corncob pipe spread out before you in all his naked glory before he turns and hands you a kid he stole as he massacres all your neighbors. And then you succumb to the heat.
The sweaty ass-crack of Jackson sucks, my friends. It just sucks.
Anyway, so there I was, walking along Jackson’s ass cheek, the dog romping gloriously towards the small of his back, me sweating miserably in the thick humidity, when I fucking tripped over a branch in the AT&T yard. I mean, yes, let us stop and snicker at the fittingness of AT&T being lodged somewhere near Jackson’s butt hole (I love you AT&T and I give you hundreds of dollars a month, but let’s be honest…). But I am a grown woman! And there I was, just like, “Oh fuck it. Fine. I will fall on my face and then I’m just going to stay there, in the hot, wet grass until someone comes out to mow the lawn and runs me over like they did that dead possum and then I will die.”
But somehow I did not actually fall. Me, the least coordinated person in the world, brain already throwing its hands up in a gesture of “don’t expect me to help with this nonsense,” and somehow my feet got under me and I stayed upright. But my shoes came untied twice on the walk and I was just hot and grouchy the whole time.
This kind of heat makes you mean. Which probably explains a lot about local history.