People, what the fuck is this?! WHAT. THE. FUCK. IS. THIS?!
Everything about this is just as white-washed as fuck. I guess as Jack-White-washed as fuck. White guy playing the blues. White “servant” in Santo Domingo in the 1600s?! I should hate this. I should be laughing about how ridiculously stupid it is.
But I swear to god, I cannot peel my eyes off of Captain Morgan. If I could give people looks like that, I’d be eying people like that left and right, fucking my way across this great nation. Republicans would have to make a law against me. If someone gave me that look, I would fall down, on the floor, right there. All you’d hear is me very quietly saying–from the floor–“oh, oh my.”
And, obviously, an orgy is about to break out. And I want to say something like “Oh, thanks for throwing all those dishes on the floor before the start of the orgy. Smooth.” but I’m distracted. How does a dude even learn to make a look like that? When they were casting for that part, did they ask actors to show their ability to sell macho bisexuality? Are they making these ads specifically for me? I mean, it is as if the people who make these commercials looked right into my heart (or possibly my cooter) to see what I’ll find irresistible.
Oh, oh my.