Coming Together

I just saw sample pages of the antique Spanish porn project I have been working on for approximately 1,000 years. Yes, I swear to god, much of this project was just sitting around waiting for Spanish porn to reach its heyday and then waiting for enough time to pass for it to be in the past.

I think I told you, my favorite thing is how cheerful everyone is. No one’s making the porn face. Everyone’s just like “Oh, how delightful and pleasant!”

I really wonder if people will find the pictures erotic or if the grins don’t quite translate across the years into “sexy.”

Anyway, I’m glad that’s going to be soon enough finally done.

The New Kitty Says, “No.”

People, here’s the thing about cats. You could be having the greatest day. I mean, you’re sitting in a comfy chair eating ice cream, watching Brat Pitt and Johnny Depp hose each other off in your shower. Wood nymphs are prancing through your house making everything smell like lilacs. Libertarians are lined up to scrub your tub. And Hollywood is on the phone, wanting movie rights to your story about a zombie.

And your cat is still going to try to scratch your boob off.


Who the fuck knows? Because cats are put on this earth to remind you that, no matter how special you are, how awesome your day, the universe is mostly indifferent to your suffering.

And believe me, a cat trying to tear your boob off with its claws is only slightly, very slightly less painful than having the other cat dangling from your boob by one claw.

Anyway, what is the lesson here? What can we discern from the torn, bloodstained shirt, the three puncture wounds in the cleavage, the bright red line along the thumb?

The lesson is thus: Wait for the damn Butcher to get home to try to subject your cat to any hydrotherapy. Yes, one person can do it. No, not safely.

In other animal-related news, the dog is acting completely squirrelly. Tried to get in  bed with me this morning. Convinced the Butcher to let her outside before dawn. And then has gone back to bed and is snoring like it’s going out of style. If we have an earthquake today, I would not be surprised.

Oh, right, but what I wanted to say is that, on our walk today, I saw one crow, flying very slowly from the big tree by the road to the tree in the middle of the AT&T yard. Big crow. Silently slipping through the air. And then, once it got to its destination, a small crow followed.

It made me wonder how much care crows take of their young. I know they live in big family units, but I swear, this seemed like the bigger crow was showing the littler crow something. I don’t know if it was about how to land or which trees they roosted in or what, but something. Like I was seeing a lesson for the little crow.

Blew my mind.