The New Kitty Says, “No.”

People, here’s the thing about cats. You could be having the greatest day. I mean, you’re sitting in a comfy chair eating ice cream, watching Brat Pitt and Johnny Depp hose each other off in your shower. Wood nymphs are prancing through your house making everything smell like lilacs. Libertarians are lined up to scrub your tub. And Hollywood is on the phone, wanting movie rights to your story about a zombie.

And your cat is still going to try to scratch your boob off.


Who the fuck knows? Because cats are put on this earth to remind you that, no matter how special you are, how awesome your day, the universe is mostly indifferent to your suffering.

And believe me, a cat trying to tear your boob off with its claws is only slightly, very slightly less painful than having the other cat dangling from your boob by one claw.

Anyway, what is the lesson here? What can we discern from the torn, bloodstained shirt, the three puncture wounds in the cleavage, the bright red line along the thumb?

The lesson is thus: Wait for the damn Butcher to get home to try to subject your cat to any hydrotherapy. Yes, one person can do it. No, not safely.

In other animal-related news, the dog is acting completely squirrelly. Tried to get in  bed with me this morning. Convinced the Butcher to let her outside before dawn. And then has gone back to bed and is snoring like it’s going out of style. If we have an earthquake today, I would not be surprised.

Oh, right, but what I wanted to say is that, on our walk today, I saw one crow, flying very slowly from the big tree by the road to the tree in the middle of the AT&T yard. Big crow. Silently slipping through the air. And then, once it got to its destination, a small crow followed.

It made me wonder how much care crows take of their young. I know they live in big family units, but I swear, this seemed like the bigger crow was showing the littler crow something. I don’t know if it was about how to land or which trees they roosted in or what, but something. Like I was seeing a lesson for the little crow.

Blew my mind.

8 thoughts on “The New Kitty Says, “No.”

  1. I always have scratches on my boobs or belly from putting a cat down after picking them up. I have two cats that always panic and try to launch themselves when being put down, and it’s not that they’ve been dropped either. And its not like I learn and just stop picking up the cats either.

    So between cats and other sharp objects in my life, clothes are just there so I don’t have to try to explain all the scratches and scrapes.

  2. recent research finds that crows are intelligent perhaps as much as chimps They have language and use tools.
    I would prefer keith hamilton cobb and john barrowman in the shower :)

  3. We have a lot of crows in our neighborhood. Based on pure anecdotal observation, around here, after the hugely ginormous murder-get-together in spring, the crows split off into pairs. Two parents raise the baby together, and they do show the little buggers everything. This is where the snails are! This is where the spiders live! Stay away from that damn hawk, she’ll kill you. Oh, pff, that’s a rabbit. No worries. –Right now there’s a teenage crow outside being loud and angry because his parents are not bringing him his food, but are instead requiring him to forage for himself. He’s yelling, they’re ignoring him, everyone’s flying from branch to branch.

  4. Kosh, neither of those men strike me as the kind that would be particularly smelly on an ordinary day. As attractive as I think Depp and Pitt are, I’m going to need them to shower before they get in my bed.

    Cinnabari, I don’t want to anthropomorphize too much, you know? But the first crow was going so slow–almost like a hawk can about hover in place–that that’s what caught my eye. It definitely was doing something very deliberate. And then when I saw the young one… it was just really cool.

  5. Yeah, crows are super smart. We had a pair nest in a tree in our yard last summer and raise a baby. It was cool sitting on our deck watching them teach it to fly. They returned this summer and nested again. They squawked at us at first when we’d be around the tree, but soon got over it when they realized we weren’t going to bother them.
    So, the big one probably was showing/teaching the little one something.

  6. I don’t know precisely what the hydrotherapy New Kitty needs involves, but, if possible, have you tried the towel trick?

    Wrap her tightly in a bath towel with only her head the arm you need to work on sticking out. It prevents the scratching and Id’ swear it even calms them down some (although maybe just not be able to move gives the illusion of calmness).

  7. Further in the free-internet-advice, er, category…I found that I stopped bleeding when bathing cats if I put a harness on them first. It seemed to not only provide a handle but also stop that horror-flick shape-shifter behavior that melts a cat that’s pointed that way into a cat that’s pointed at your face without it having to move any bones.

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