My Sue Allen Graveyard Adventure Ends Up Being a Tiny Bit Weird

I slipped out of work early and went back to Mt. Olivet and I walked Section 3 like it might harbor my own dead relatives. I found a family plot for some Overtons, who you remember married into Sue’s family. And there, maybe twenty steps away, was an Allen grave. But it had a bunch of names on it, none of them “Sue” and all too old to be our gal.

So, I was feeling pretty bummed and I thought, as a last ditch thing, I would go down to the office and ask if they had her father, Powhatan Perkins, so I could see if maybe she was in with him. If a car could drag its feet, I was dragging my car’s feet in disappointment. I really thought this Section 3 lead was promising. I get just past the big white mausoleum and I see a headstone for “Perkins.” Right smack dab in front of me. Right by the weird square thing the Professor had wanted to look at when we were there, but I pooh-poohed her. I thought, “nah.” It looked too new and what are the chances of me basically driving right up to it?

Slim and none. Even though I’d already weirdly driven right up to Ben’s grave. But what are the chances of me driving right up to two graves I wanted? That seems highly unlikely.

But there were Baxters, right in the front of the plot. I came around to the side and there was Metcalfe Perkins, Sue’s brother who died in the Civil War. I was shaking. This was the right family. Here were graves older than hers. And then I came up to the back side and there she was. Sue P. Allen. She’s next to her father, who is next to her mother, who is next to her other husband, who is next to the sister that lived with Sue.

It was weird and awesome. I may have fan-girled out just a little.

There she is. If the big white mausoleum weren’t in the way, you could see Ben’s grave off in the distance.

Susan Allen Weirdness

So, I called out to Mt. Olivet and… they do have one Susan Allen in the cemetery and it’s definitely an old grave, but they don’t have any information on who that Susan Allen might be. They gave me a section and a lot, so I’m going to check it out later. If that Susan Allen is buried in with Perkinses and Edmonsons (or Edminstons), then we’ll know it’s her.

If not… then the mysterious mystery of where Susan Allen, Nashville medium and, also, professional rich person is buried remains.

I Would Like to do this with my History Boyfriend, Timothy Demonbreun

Is Timothy Demonbreun a scrub? Even without answering these questions, I think we know the answer is yes. But still! Swoon.

Why we should sleep with Timothy Demonbreun:

1. Judging by his statue, he is handsome.

2. And he speaks French!

3. And thus literal French kisses!

4. Women kept having kids with him, so I’m thinking he’s pretty good in bed. Otherwise, you’d be all “Oh, your real wife isn’t dead? Maybe you should go home to her!” and then you’d throw shoes or bricks at him. Or you’d be all “I’m not dead and your fake wife is still having your babies?! Maybe you should go home to her.” and then you’d throw shoes or bricks at him. No woman killed Timothy Demonbreun and they, rightfully, should have. Therefore, he must have been pleasing them in the sack (and in the cooter, but that goes without saying). Don’t even argue with me.

5. Like Robert Johnson, there are three possible resting places for Timothy Demonbreun–out back of the furnace on Jefferson, in the city cemetery, and next to his fake wife out in Ashland City. That makes him mysterious.

Why we should not sleep with Timothy Demonbreun:

1. Yes, okay, fine. He’s dead. And no one even knows where his bones are.

2. He doesn’t mind living in a cave.

3. He’s a dog, with the cheating on his real wife with his fake wife and then cheating on his fake wife with his real one.

4. Long explorations of the middle of America with no showers.

5. He might randomly marry you off to some other French dude, which would not be fun.

But I feel like these are surmountable obstacles. And it’s not like any of us are going to marry Timothy Demonbreun. Hell, until we get gay marriage legalized, some of you can’t marry him. We just want to take him out into one of the hammocks, get a good wine drunk going on, and then see if he’s all that.

It seems reasonable. Is anyone here a medium? We have some dates to arrange.

Mike Turner, Personal Cheerleader?

Is it wrong that, when I heard this story, I started to wonder if Mike Turner would call me up randomly, I could tell him all of my obstacles and problems for the day, and he would growl, “Bring it on” in a manner that made me laugh and feel better?

Like he’d call and be all “What do you need inspiration for today, Betsy?”

And I’d say, “Mike, today, I just can’t bear hearing professional rich person, Ron Ramsey talk any more about elitists, as if he’s somehow just one of the common folks and I, with my book learning but still eating ramen noodles for dinner on occasion towards the end of the month, am supposed to be somehow an oppressive jackass who is holding professional rich person, Ron Ramsey down.”

And Turner could be all “Professional rich person, Ron Ramsey? Bring it on!”

And I’d be all “Yeah, bring it on, professional rich person!”

It’d be awesome.

Amazon is Not the Problem

Dean Dad today is blaming booksellers for the fact that you can’t resell your used e-textbooks. This is wrong. Most ebooks are already being sold as loss leaders. Think of it this way–printing, paper, and binding (the things that seem to make a book a book) count for usually less than $3 of an individual book’s final cost (unless you’re publishing a book of antique Spanish porn, color throughout. Then those costs will make you want to throw up every time you think of them). So, if all things were equal, an ebook would cost about $3 less than a “real” book.

But Amazon sells a shit-ton of ebooks for $9.99 or less and the corresponding print versions aren’t $12.99.

Amazon makes their money off of Kindles. If they could legally let students swap or sell ebooks to each other, even if Amazon made nothing off of those ebook sales, they would totally do that, because it would drive Kindle sales.

The sticking point is the publishers. And, sure, I have as little sympathy for the “Here’s your $150 textbook which we will make needless updates to every three years, thus ruining the used book market” as anyone else. But most universities don’t wholly subsidize university presses. In fact, I don’t know of any university press that doesn’t get any income from book sales.

Now, sure, if we’re switching to a model in which the important thing is the dissemination of ideas, great. Then it’s fine if 50 students share or resell one ebook to each other. That would weigh the same for the university as selling 50 books does in the “bottom line” model. Shoot, then, why would university presses sell books at all? They could just put everything up at Scribd and call it a day.

But university presses do have budgets they have to meet. And universities don’t seem likely to change that.

So, we are where we are.