I Would Like to do this with my History Boyfriend, Timothy Demonbreun

Is Timothy Demonbreun a scrub? Even without answering these questions, I think we know the answer is yes. But still! Swoon.

Why we should sleep with Timothy Demonbreun:

1. Judging by his statue, he is handsome.

2. And he speaks French!

3. And thus literal French kisses!

4. Women kept having kids with him, so I’m thinking he’s pretty good in bed. Otherwise, you’d be all “Oh, your real wife isn’t dead? Maybe you should go home to her!” and then you’d throw shoes or bricks at him. Or you’d be all “I’m not dead and your fake wife is still having your babies?! Maybe you should go home to her.” and then you’d throw shoes or bricks at him. No woman killed Timothy Demonbreun and they, rightfully, should have. Therefore, he must have been pleasing them in the sack (and in the cooter, but that goes without saying). Don’t even argue with me.

5. Like Robert Johnson, there are three possible resting places for Timothy Demonbreun–out back of the furnace on Jefferson, in the city cemetery, and next to his fake wife out in Ashland City. That makes him mysterious.

Why we should not sleep with Timothy Demonbreun:

1. Yes, okay, fine. He’s dead. And no one even knows where his bones are.

2. He doesn’t mind living in a cave.

3. He’s a dog, with the cheating on his real wife with his fake wife and then cheating on his fake wife with his real one.

4. Long explorations of the middle of America with no showers.

5. He might randomly marry you off to some other French dude, which would not be fun.

But I feel like these are surmountable obstacles. And it’s not like any of us are going to marry Timothy Demonbreun. Hell, until we get gay marriage legalized, some of you can’t marry him. We just want to take him out into one of the hammocks, get a good wine drunk going on, and then see if he’s all that.

It seems reasonable. Is anyone here a medium? We have some dates to arrange.

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7 thoughts on “I Would Like to do this with my History Boyfriend, Timothy Demonbreun

  1. “No woman killed Timothy Demonbreun and they, rightfully, should have. Therefore, he must have been pleasing them in the sack (and in the cooter, but that goes without saying). Don’t even argue with me.”

    Best set of sentences I have read all week! I laughed outloud and woke up two sleeping cats over that.

  2. Wait, wouldn’t you be two-timing your science boyfriend (who we all know is Neil deGrasse Tyson)?

  3. No, see that’s why I cleverly categorize them by subject area. If I wrote a post about whether to sleep with Thomas Jefferson, that would be cheating on my history boyfriend, Timothy Demonbreun and, honestly, possibly my science boyfriend, Neal deGrasse Tyson. But Demonbreun showed no scientific proclivities that I know of, so I consider myself loyal to both men.

  4. I don’t care what you do with your history boyfriend, Timothy Demonbreun. Just stay away from my history boyfriend, Shelby Foote.

  5. Sadly, Shelby Foote is also dead and will have to be called back from the Other Side. We may have to get bulk rate on the services of the medium.

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