The Times I Wish I was a Police Officer

1. When people fly by me on Lloyd even though the speed limit is clearly posted as 30 mph.

2. When I’m attempting to cross the road at the crosswalk with flashing lights on Broadway and a truck is turning left down by the convenience store, which should mean that I only have to worry about traffic coming from my left, but some asshole comes around the truck, up through the empty parking spaces and then slams on his brakes at me, as if I’m the fuck up. I should have citizens’ arrested him. Or rubbed him around on the Bat Taint.

Ugh, people, this Bat Taint is just… it’s stuck in my head. It’s all I can think about. Not all. But it’s like I’m trying so hard not to think about it that I’m all like “Oh, cool, I haven’t thought about Batman’s taint for like ten min… oh god damn it, now I’m thinking about Batman’s taint again!” It’s like the non-balls, non-asshole equivalent of a terrible earworm.

Why I Think all these “Concerns” about Christie’s Health are in fact Just Bigotry

I don’t know if you’ve heard, but Chris Christie is fat and this should disqualify him from being president at least until he’s thinner because everyone knows that being fat is unhealthy. Some people wonder if being fat is more of a disqualification than being depressed.

Here’s why I think it is just bullshit “I’m grossed out by your body” disguised as “But I really care about your health.”

Because being fat is not the most telling physical sign that your health is shitty. No, there is in fact a bodily indicator that predicts far better than a person’s weight whether that person will live to adulthood, die early, and suffer from poor health outcomes all along the way. This physical trait correlates to higher suicide rates, more violence, even higher accident rates.

And, it is even possible to mitigate some of the effects of this physical trait through medication or, in some cases, when necessary, surgery.

Medication and surgery to deal with this condition are common enough that, even if you don’t know someone who’s taken those steps, you know of someone who’s taken those steps, and heard rumors of others who have taken those steps.

And yet, no one looks at that physical trait and says that everyone who has it should be making efforts to mitigate it and that the success of their mitigation attempts should determine whether they’re qualified for public office.

People with this condition have worse health outcomes across the board than the rest of the population. And yet, if I were to argue that I wasn’t disgusted by this condition, I merely couldn’t help but notice the person’s body and the physical indicators of this condition, which are so closely correlated with such terrible health outcomes, and, out of concern for that person’s health, I am saying they must change, even if it means pills and surgery, there is not a single person reading this blog who wouldn’t say to themselves, “Wow, Betsy has some real deep issues with men.”

None of you would say “Oh, yeah, totally. We should start when they’re children.”

Because people aren’t grossed out by men’s bodies. So men can be as unhealthy as they want and no one starts talking about the correlation between being men and being unhealthy as something to be solved by trying to change what they look like. But fat people? Oh, that’s apparently a great excuse to let your disgust about a type of bodily appearance have free reign.

And everyone’s just supposed to accept that this prejudice against a type of appearance is different than every other prejudice rooted in a type of appearance, because this time, you have what “everybody knows” and “what science says” on your side. Unlike all those other times before.

Couple of Good Ones at Pith Today

It’s weird. I never worry about how hit or miss things might be here, but a few misses in a row at Pith has me worried Jim Ridley is rolling his eyes somewhere.

But today, I’m talking about Tennessee mandating teaching kids a form of birth control with an 80% failure rate among its most ardent users.

And later, at some point, will be a post about how I represent me and another guy and a third of a third guy every time I vote. It’s a responsibility I take lightly.

I am an Ill-Informed Psychic!

IBMA does have an entertainer of the year, which, sadly Dale Ann Bradley did not get (though Steve Martin did, which is fun), but she did get female vocalist of the year again! And people bring her cornbread. Which I find to be the least surprising revelation in the history of revelations.