Some Vodka Soaked Tampon Observations

1. In reading all of the different places that have linked to my post, I’ve noticed that the pot-smokers and the libertarians (I’m making a distinction on the off-chance that libertarians aren’t wholly a subset of pot-smokers) seem best able to find my post funny and informative. Thank you pot-smokers, libertarians, and pot-smoking libertarians.

2. I’ve seen a lot of comments around the web that amount to “my alcoholic co-worker totally does this.” If this is true–ask them how they do it. Just the logistics of how they fill the tampon with alcohol, get it inside them without pain, and then keep the alcohol from dripping back out. I’ve noticed that the gender of people who have these alcoholic coworkers is overwhelmingly male (meaning I’ve seen no women making these claims) and I have to believe that anyone who’s ever looked down into her underwear with righteous fury an hour after sticking a super-absorbent tampon in her cooter would just never find it plausible that there’d be some way to keep the alcohol from making that same trip and more quickly, since it’s not as thick as blood.

3. That’s the other thing that has struck me about this. People–both male and female–who seem to have the most comfort with vaginas and assholes seem to be the ones that immediately realize this is implausible (I would not claim to be among that group. I am in the group that was in the bathroom when Mrs. Kent decided to show me and her daughter how a tampon worked by dropping it in a glass of water and thus scaring us away from even trying tampons for years.). I am frightened by how many people–again, both male and female–who appear to be adults and who appear to be at least modestly sexually aware who believe this is not just something some dumbass once somewhere tried but that this is a regular thing. Again, I ask, how is it inserted and, once inserted, how is the vodka kept in place? Because, believe me, if you can keep a shot’s worth of vodka in that tampon and not have it leak out while you are sitting and standing and dancing around, I will switch to that brand and I believe every other menstruating person in America who uses tampons would switch with me. It would be viral marketing like this nation has never seen.

Anyway, it’s been strange and nice watching the traffic on that post. I’d call my parents and tell them I made Forbes, but I don’t have the heart to tell them for what.

16 thoughts on “Some Vodka Soaked Tampon Observations

  1. here’s a marketing freebie – keep writing about the Vodka Soaked Tampons but throw in a link to “A City of Ghosts” — think of it as a Point of Purchase sales tactic.

  2. Congrats on your new found fame(infamy?).

    But all of this talk about the physics of the thing has me wondering – assuming you could get an entire shots worth of vodka into a tampon and into your lady parts, just how much alcohol would you actually get? A standard shot is an 1.5 ounces, if you are such a drunkard that you need the steady stream of booze through your cooter, how effective is that ounce and a half gonna really be. And another thing – what’s the absorption time for the vag to soak up the vodka, assuming, again, that it does not leak out? wouldn’t a person dependent upon this type of thing be constantly back and forth to the ladies’ inserting new, vodka soaked tampons? and certainly, they wouldn’t be pre-loaded at home, but she (or he, I suppose) would have to do so in the office or whatever location where they were trying to keep their boozing hidden. so, how could they make repeated trips to the br, with a bottle of hooch and tampons, fill and insert said tampon into cooter, with sufficient frequency to cause and maintain a buzz without someone, somewhere picking up on it?

    LE

  3. What Beth said. Seriously, make sure that a big, colorful ad and link for City of Ghosts is right up at the top of the page. Even maybe make it your contact info link for a while.

  4. LE, I have been wondering about that, too. That seems like it would be another problem with the urban legend. If the tampon is absorbent-enough to not leak out the bottom, how is it leaking so quickly out the side that you’re able to get drunk? And, yeah, it seems like you’d be back and forth to the bathroom quite a bit.

  5. This may turn out to have been the biggest “how these kids are getting high” fraud since the 1967 reports of massive smoking of the strings in banana skins–which didn’t work either. (“See Donovan, “Mellow Yellow”.) The hard part to tell is how many kids are trying this stuff and finding out it doesn’t work..

  6. Barry, your comment just triggered a memory for me. I remember getting in trouble in a math class in high school because they announced one of these frauds over the intercom (I believe it was of the “lsd in candy” variety), and I laughed out loud about the absurdity of it. The teacher gave me a talking to about how drugs and hurting children was not a laughing matter. Nobody seemed to care that it was completely unverified and unlikely.

  7. My only regret is that I didn’t get to officially and journalistically debunk this thing like I did about 10 other urban legends while I was an officially journalistic-type person.

    Then again, I didn’t know B back then, and she gets to use words in her much more officially and journalistically sound debunking that I never got to, dangit.

    ;oD

  8. Hmm.

    Maybe if you used a pre-mixed bloody mary instead of plain vodka, the inevitable leakage would appear organic, and your parents would pity you instead of grounding you (and your mom would tell you in a whisper that you needed to change your jeans). You could say you smelled like tomato juice because your friend’s dog had a close encounter with a skunk.

    Yeah. Maybe not.

  9. @ emjb-my experience with the Diva cup was that to insert it it needed to be folded in half if not quartered. Sort of like getting a diaphram in.

    I suppose you could try to stuff it in whichever orifice unfolded but if you’re doing this to get drunk the sucess rate will plumment as drunkeness increases.

    Just drink the vodka.

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