Aside from being the only place in town I can consistently see penis graffiti and neo-Nazis shopping in the same aisles as middle-aged Melungeons, and being the only place that laughs at me when I forget a bag, but puts it in the ice chest so that it stays cool until I get back for it, Tony’s has another thing going that I would be remiss in mentioning.
On Sunday, I got a migraine. A bad one. Like the kind where you want to touch your head to put pressure on it so that you can think, but touching your head makes you have to vomit from the pain. And I had taken ibuprofen and it had dulled the ache enough that I could go do my park. But I was still in bad shape.
So, I went to Tony’s and they had their store brand “Migraine Pills.” Who the fuck even knows what that means, right? Migraine pills. At fucking Tony’s. They could give you a migraine. I don’t know. People at Tony’s have needs. Maybe one of them is an easy way to give their enemies crippling head pain.
But I was desperate. So I bought them. You take two every twenty-four hours. No more than that. The label is absolutely clear. More than two is an overdose. The active ingredients are acetaminophen, aspirin, and caffeine. And there’s some other shit I didn’t recognize. You take them. Within about thirty minutes, the pain goes away. You then become so drowsy that you have to lay down on the couch for a few minutes before you can go to bed.
You sleep gloriously. You wake up in the morning.
There is still no pain.
For the whole twenty-four hours. Tony’s magic pills are not fucking around. There is no pain.
How is this possible? How are these pills available over the counter? Is it wrong that I want to go back and buy up every single bottle, just in case they go away for some reason? Are they a generic of something else? I mean, I feel like I’ve tried everything at one point that claims to be migraine formulated.
But I have never taken something that was so clearly able to just end the pain.
I feel like knocking on wood. I hope this post doesn’t jinx it.
Bless you, Tony’s Magic Migraine Pills.