I’m just down. I’m tired of being sick, once a month, every month since fucking god knows when. I’m just not feeling the whole garden thing this year. And I kind of  feel like I’m failing because I just don’t have the skills I need to succeed. Nobody looks at me and says, “if she can do that, then I can get her to a place where she can do this.” And I don’t know how to get to the place where I can do this myself, because I don’t even know what this is. And it makes me angry, but I can’t quite articulate why.

The Professor and I were talking about the difference between our 20s and 30s, and how much of our 20s was devoted to figuring out what we didn’t want and fleeing from it. That’s what motivated us–fear. And I feel like I’ve spent my 30s trying to learn how to positively want things–to not be motivated by fear, but by desire.

I’m afraid I’m going to spend my 40s learning how to live with not getting the things I want.

3 thoughts on “Floundering

  1. Yeah, the 50s are good. In the mean time, you might want to see whether there’s any medical advice that can help you not to be so run down all the time. There may not be, of course, but sometimes science will surprise you.

  2. What if our 40s are time spent reveling in the realization of our wants?

    You are, at least to me, a shining example of someone who has repeatedly in the past bunch of years simply decided to start doing the things you’ve been wanting to do. And have begun to find success. Doing things is how you’ve prove you can rather than needing to know beforehand.

    So maybe there are ways to find our own mentors for some underdeveloped skills and life at this age. But maybe you should just keep going so that your successes can grow and grow.

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