Now Captain Morgan is Seducing Your Wife With Her Eyes!

Honestly, I’m ready for someone to sit down and write a really smart analysis of these ads, explaining to me why it is that I love them. This one doesn’t do it for me the way the first one does, but I appreciate how creepy the old man is. Is he wearing a mask? And I love the idea that Captain Morgan has installed a revolving wall in your house without you realizing it. Yes, let’s go to the pirate party. But first, someone’s going to have to explain to me what’s going on at the 40 second mark. When it flashed by, I thought it was a woman giving a chair dance to a dude, but when I paused it, I became convinced that it was a man gazing longingly at a decorative pillow.

Honestly, I love that these ads just so blatantly play to straight women’s fantasies–“A hot pirate will take me to his lair and let me sit on his lap!”–but presents them as if they’re just baseline sexy fantasies. I mean, yes, the woman is hot and pleasant to look at, but she’s not just eye-candy standing around while Morgan adventures. He’s all about facilitating her adventure.

I don’t know. That both reads as incredibly sexy to me and a kind of sexiness a lot of regular men have, but one you don’t often see portrayed in advertising. And advertising in which everyone’s sexy and everyone’s having a good time? I mean, this is marketing directed at women that doesn’t seem like it’s going to hurt Captain Morgan’s brand with men, right?

It’s pretty ingenious.

A Story About Obesity Unlike Any You’ll Normally Read in The Tennessean

Today in The Tennessean, they ran a story about a woman who died after having gastric bypass surgery. Turns out her surgery triggered a wasting disorder where her body was turning protein into ammonia which her liver couldn’t convert into urea. So she lost weight until she died. She was 43.

What’s unusual about this story?

1. No pictures of headless fatties. We see the faces of fat people.

2. An acknowledgment that Hilary Lane was active, even though there’s a tone of some surprise at this:

Although she was no couch potato, she had been heavy since elementary school, said her sister, Catherine Parks McAfee.

“She was the most active overweight person you have ever seen,” McAfee said. “She was never sedentary. She was diving coach of the Sequoia Swim Club for 25 years and a music teacher at a Metro elementary school, always going, doing choirs and private lessons for piano and all kinds of things.”

3. Some truth about whether doctors can actually make morbidly obese people not morbidly obese:

Yet doctors really don’t have any other effective options for treating morbid obesity, generally defined as being 100 or more pounds overweight. Lifestyle changes, such as diet and exercise, are rarely successful for these patients without surgical intervention. Prescription drugs have been yanked off the market because of adverse — sometimes deadly — side effects. No new diet drug has received U.S. Food and Drug Administration approval in more than a decade, although the agency’s recommending committee has endorsed two medicines, Qnexa and lorcaserin, that could become available later this year.

4. Some more truth about how difficult it can be for patients to keep the weight off:

Even those who are able to lose 100 pounds without surgery often gain it back.

“I’ve had some patients lose 500 pounds over their lifetime, gaining and losing, gaining and losing that same 100 pounds or so,” he said. “Bariatic surgery is absolutely not the perfect fix-all, be-all, everything is going to be lovely afterward. That’s not true either. There are risks associated with the operation — absolutely no question about that.”

As an aside, I cannot even begin to fathom how bad it would be on a person’s heart to lose and gain 100 lbs five times over the course of their lives. Holy shit. Honestly. How can a doctor look at a person who has fluctuated between, say, 200 and 300 pounds five times and tell them that’s a better outcome than if they’d just found a way to stabilize their weight at 300 pounds?

And yes, there are some things that annoyed me. The fact that they know that they’re fucking with how people’s bodies work in ways that will make them forever dependent on supplements and doctors’ close supervision, in ways they know there’s a risk of death of (and note the clever slight of hand where they say that deaths from the surgery are only 1%, but say nothing about the number of deaths from complications where the surgery has worked just fine, but the person’s body is so fucked up that they can’t function. I mean, it’s not clear that Lane’s death would count toward that 1% because her surgery went fine. She did die during it. She didn’t die from complications directly related to the surgery. She just died from something the surgery caused. That’s a slightly different thing. And it lets doctors–and gives doctors–a false impression about the safety of the surgery.) and yet they still advocate it as THE option for the morbidly obese.

No, there’s another option. Eat well, exercise, and make peace with your body. We are all going to die, too soon. Have some mercy on yourself in the meantime.

Things

1. Shoot, all it takes is 2,000 hits and 35 comments on a post to get coverage in The Tennessean? Then I eagerly await the reporter who calls to ask me about the feasibility of shoving a vodka-soaked tampon up one’s cooter. I had no idea the threshold to newsworthy blog post was so low. (May I just say that I think the chances of that woman’s kids noticing and giving a shit about that display were about 25% until she raised a big stink and made them turn away. Then they were surely 100% aware and curious.)

2. John Scalzi has a nice post explaining male privilege like a video game.

3. I really don’t understand this charter school nonsense. Our Lady of Sorrows is a quasi-public school, somehow?

4. There are reports that another kid in Cheatham County who was bullied for being gay has committed suicide. Pierce Greenberg is leading an interesting discussion on Twitter about the ethics of covering teen suicides–which are known to be “contagious”–and making sure the subject of gay-bashing in schools gets covered. I said that I think this is one of those times when the advantages of print media are clear. This doesn’t just call for the 60 second video news story in which everyone is sad because someone is dead. This needs to be a long, nuanced story that doesn’t focus on suicide, but on what’s going on in this school and why kids feel like they can’t get it addressed.

Lord It’s Nice Out

I wish I could play hooky today and just enjoy the beautiful weather. The hollyhocks are not just dead–someone has absconded with their carcasses. Every last one of them, just gone.

Honestly. When I first moved here, everything I planted turned out awesome.

But since the flood?

All that shit I planted two weeks ago? And have been watering diligently every day? No sign of it.

What the hell?

Have I lost my gardening mojo?