Let’s Send Faygo to Austin!

This morning, I received an email about the problem Austin, Texas, is having with a new street gang–and I’m really using the term “street gang” here so loosely that the words seem only held together by the fact that they’re both in English–the Juggalos. Here’s the story.

There’s a new gang on APD’s radar. They call themselves the Juggalos. Police say they’re assaulting people in the entertainment district.

On Wednesday undercover APD gang officers hit some of the known hang outs of the Juggalos. They’re a relatively new group that gained the attention of the FBI last year and now has raised concerns among local police.

People, let’s just revel in how delicious just these two sentences are. The idea that the juggalos constitute a “new” anything. I mean, ICP came out as Christian! The shark is jumped! “Relatively new group.” ICP has, according to Wikipedia and my own memory been around for twenty years.

But, imagine, if you will, the awesomeness that must have been Austin yesterday with undercover police officers going to the known hangouts of Juggalos. Did they wear face paint? Did they bring their own bottles of Faygo? Did they pretend not to know how magnets work?

Oh, my god, you guys. While I was working on this post, my Austin informant wrote to tell me that she doesn’t even know what Faygo pop is and she speculates that, if the Juggalos somehow require this to function–which of course, they do–the lack of it in Austin could explain why the Juggalos are acting out.

Austin PD, here’s a solution to your Juggalo problem! Ply them with Redpop. Watch them become less agitated.

In slightly related news, can you think of another brand of soft drink where the name of the whole line was the famous moniker? Sure, there are some areas in the South where Coke almost functions like that.

“You want a Coke?”

“Sure, I’ll have a Sprite.”

But that’s not quite the same.

Also, I had to put this in the “pop culture” category because… well… I mean, because.