My biggest fear as a writer is that I suck but can’t see it, that I’m working and submitting and working and submitting and doing my best but nothing is ever going to happen because I lack the ability to discern that my writing sucks. The worst part of this scenario is that I can’t even ever hope to improve, because I can’t see what’s wrong.
At some level, I know this is… not exactly an irrational fear… but a useless one. I can’t not write and I can’t quiet the desire for seeing my name on a book someone else published. So, what am I going to do? All I can do is acknowledge the fear and move on.
Still, it sits in my gut lately especially. I’m in a preliminary discussion about a project that would be pretty incredible and cool and right up my alley. And I’m freaked the fuck out because no one seems to doubt that I’ll be able to pull it off.
No one except me, I guess.
But I have only ever been published twice! What credibility do I even have to say “Here’s my idea and here’s why I think it will work with your concept and…”?
None, people. I have no credibility. I am taking the spot of someone who has credibility. And yet, I am not going to move out of the way for that more credible person, whoever he or she might be.
In other news, I only have two seams left on the afghan. And that intimidated the shit out of me, too. I’m going to need to keep that afghan where I can see it at all times, to remind myself that I can do things that seem nearly impossible to me.
And also, to smother the more credible person with, when he or she shows up at my house to complain I’ve taken his or her spot.