I am very proud to bring you my Kelis Grand Unification Theory of all Awesomeness. My only warning is that I discuss earworms. Which means songs that, if you hear them, will indeed be stuck in your head for the rest of the day, or, in the case of “Neanderthal Man,” your life.

Day and Night

Walking the dog during the day: Doot doot doot. Let me protect you from this truck. Let me act like I’m going to poop, when really I’m just eating this thing. Did I mention I hate the head harness? I’m rolling down the hill! And I finally pooped. Doot doot doot.

Walking the dog first thing in the morning because the Butcher is still asleep for some reason (a girl is my guess): It’s dark! Where do I pee? It’s really dark. Where are we going? What’s that noise? Stop! What’s that noise?! Oh, wait, wait, I hear something. I stepped on something. Oh, it was you. Sorry. Did you hear something? OH HOLY SHIT! There’s a bird!!!! What’s that noise? Why did you step on me? Well, duh, I had to stop right in front of you. There was a noise. I see the cat!!! What’s that noise?

The dog makes me physically walk quicker, but today’s walk took ten minutes longer than usual. And he didn’t poop. Because, apparently, you cannot poop when birds are watching, or something.