Woke Up This Morning

Today was the first day since the day of my birthday party that I didn’t wake up feeling like utter shit. I’m still a little stuffy, but I actually felt okay when I woke up. I don’t know what the hell that thing was, but it’s enough to make me revise my “but I’m feeling better today so I don’t need to go to the doctor” rule, since every day, I did feel better, but the hill I was climbing into feeling good was unbearably tall.

I also went to the gynecologist yesterday and we were talking about PCOS (as you do) and she was just like “Yeah, I spend a lot of time reading the literature on metabolic issues and endocrine disorders and, basically, the surest sign of a quack is someone who says ‘We know…’ anything about this stuff. We have a lot of plausible theories that seem to hold true for most of our patients, but there are enough exceptions in any situation to call any theory about how our bodies do this stuff into question. It’s still a lot of mystery that we’re trying to pass off as certainty. And that’s not fair to patients.”

We also watched “Escape from Tomorrow,” which is interesting in that it was filmed at the Disney themeparks without Disney’s permission, but is otherwise a terrible, confusing mess. It’s a crude guide, but there comes a point in any horror movie when you can tell it’s gone off the rails because just as you think “What the hell is going on here?” you see boobs. It’s the director’s way of signaling that he also doesn’t know what the hell is going on here, but he hopes you won’t notice, because, hey, look at how nice these tits are. “Escape from Tomorrow” resorts to the tits trick twice. That’s pretty much all I can say about it. If you understood that movie, please explain it to me.


4 thoughts on “Woke Up This Morning

  1. Holy shit, I want your gynecologist. Got sent to an endocrinologist for my PCOS and she was utterly convinced that metformin pills would magically make everything better. When they didn’t and I gave her peer-reviewed medical papers from NIH on alternate courses of treatment she dismissed them out of hand and refused to work with me besides pushing the pills more (“You’ve only been on them for a year, it takes time for them to work.”) and a 700 cal per day diet. You’ve got a good one, hold on to her!

  2. The metformin pills have been a godsend for me in terms of improving how I feel. But she was very clear with me very early on that I probably wasn’t going to lose weight on them (I did, however, stop gaining massive amounts of weight no matter how little I ate, so I consider that a win). The other thing I really appreciate is that neither she nor my endocrinologist are interested in “making” me lose weight. My endocrinologist flat out told me that my weight is a symptom he needs to monitor, not a problem I need to deal with.

    That’s a big change in perspective that I have a hard time being 100% committed to. It’s really hard to let go of the idea that I’m somehow failing if eating well and exercising isn’t leading to dramatic weight-loss, especially with how much I’ve had it drilled into my head by my family that being fat means no one will ever really love me. It’s really hard to let go of the idea that this isn’t some way I’m refusing to let myself be loved, but is, instead, something that has gone the fuck wrong with my body and, as such, is just a medical thing and has no bearing on my self-worth. But I’m trying to get it through my thick skull, for my own well-being.

  3. Can I clone your medical team and move them to my area? Please? Every doc I’ve encountered apart from my GP has been utterly focused on weight loss despite my genetic condition (not PCOS) that means the only way I will ever lose weight is by having it surgically sucked out of me. It’s frustrating to have every PCOS conversation with doctors circle back to “If you lose weight it will go away” and has reached the point where I’m avoiding doctors as much as possible. And my endo didn’t help at all with her utter insistence that the metformin would make me lose weight (and cure my diabetes which apparently I have because I’m fat, regardless of what every blood test over the last 5 years has said) even after I gave her NIH publications about my genetic condition and pointed to the official diagnosis in my chart.

    Oh yes on the entire second paragraph. I have a condition called lipoedema where my fat cells cannot expel liquid in the proper amounts. It’s hormone and/or trauma triggered and means that I have been morbidly obese since I was a baby. The myth of exercise and eat right to lose weight meant that I developed eating disorders, including mild bulimia, and was so utterly convinced that no one loved me or could ever love me because I was fat that I was… not suicidal, but simply not caring if I went over that cliff or wrecked my car doing 100mph from about age 16 until I was 25 or so. I wasn’t diagnosed with the lipoedema until I was 30 and my mental attitude changed so much to find out that it wasn’t me being a fuckup failure as the PCOS docs made me feel. I became interested in life again, changed my social circle, grew more self confident (all of those fed into each other), and eventually made it to now where I have enough self confidence to actually walk out of doctor appointments if they start harping on how my weight is the cause of my PCOS and how the best treatment for it for me is to lose weight.

    When I was initially sent to the local treatment clinic for my lipoedema the main woman in charge of my care told me about how it came to be recognized as an actual medical condition. It was first documented by the Germans who looked around and saw certain women who were exercising and eating starvation diets and still becoming morbidly obese. The attitude of the doctors involved was not one of “the fat is the problem” but “something is making these women fat and we need to treat that.” It’s apparently a very German notion, that fat is a symptom of a medical condition and not the problem all on its own. Compared to the US it’s almost incomprehensible because we in the US are wired so hard that fat = The Problem. I’m not sure what it’s due to here, the media, capitalism, corn subsidies, the attitude that if things look ok on the surface then everything is fine, but I like the German attitude much more. It sounds like your endo has that attitude and that is amazingly rare and wonderful to find.

  4. Patti, I’m so sorry. That is incredibly fucked up. I do consider myself really lucky. My primary care physician is still all “But you’ve heard of Weight Watchers, right?” though, so that sucks. I like her in all other ways, though, and hate to subject myself, possibly, to worse to try to find someone better.

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