My dad believes my dirty bathroom is the cause of all this. He wants me to recaulk immediately. Because, yes, aside from working and going through the medical ringer, I totally have time to recaulk my evil, time-traveling bathroom.
My uncle B. is going to pray for me, even though I’m a Democrat. At least he updated me on all the family cancers.
My aunt isn’t sure whether to tell my cousins, so she asked my mom for permission. Because my mom controls the spigots of information. Perhaps if we also put my mom in control of the spigots of evil, my bathroom wouldn’t be time traveling to try to kill me.
Also, my body is a total dick. I can’t have any pain killers except Tylenol, which doesn’t always work super-great for me, and I just had my last period two weeks ago, but my body was like “Oh, are you under a lot of stress? Can’t take the usual pain killers? How about some cramps?!” And then I assume my body gleefully danced around my evil bathroom while they both laughed like evil villains. Evilly.
Tiny Cat Pants 
How is Dad with a caulk gun? Perhaps he could do you a solid while he’s down and get right on that.
No kidding.
I would just like to point out that you have a time traveling bathroom that is evil to you and time traveling ghosts from the Civil War that took your can opener. I’m not saying time travel has it in for you….yeah, I am. The real question is why. Screw that. The real question is how to harness the power of the evil bathroom to use it for your own purposes…
if your bathroom has these super powers, I’ve got some trinkets to leave there bc I’ve got a list of black magic that I’d live to unleash on a few folks & corporations. let me know where & when the line forms.