I Caught a Fleeting Glimpse Out of the Corner of My Eye

I did something yesterday I have been trying to do for over a decade. I made a plan for how to do it, how to really do it, about four or five years ago, I think. And I stuck to it and I didn’t take vacations and I didn’t visit people and I didn’t go out as much as I wanted. And now it’s done. Fuck you, Citibank. I hope the hackers take you out first.

I don’t feel relieved though. Which I thought I would. Mostly, I feel kind of numb and sad. I did not grow up that poor. But I made more money at 28 than my dad did when I was 18. I’m making more money now than I think my parents ever did combined. I made a lot of financial decisions that, I’m sure, from the outside, looked dumb as rocks. I had no ability, no knowledge, no wisdom from mentors to make better decisions. They were literally the best decisions I could make with the knowledge I had. I don’t beat myself up over it.

This, though, makes me cry. I feel like it’s the second cry you have over a bad car accident. The first cry is all fear and gratitude. And the second cry is when you realize how precarious things were, when you see that it was just as likely that you didn’t make it.


2 thoughts on “I Caught a Fleeting Glimpse Out of the Corner of My Eye

  1. Oh, congratulations! I very much understand your (continued) feelings of precariousness, but I hope that once it all sinks in you will also feel, even if only a teensy bit, triumphant. Because you did it.

  2. I paid off all my credit cards about a year and a half ago. It is a freedom I wish I’d given myself a long time before. I made paying them off uncomfortable at times so I’d always remember what it took to be done and not rack up debt again. But yeah, there’s that look back with regret that I think about to this day regarding how I got myself into the situation to begin with – some my fault & other life circumstance that wasn’t directly mine.

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