A Bitterness in My Heart

The thing they don’t really get into in the story of the Prodigal Son is that the son who stayed behind is only temporarily pissed at the son who left. Eventually, he comes to realize that his dad is a jerk and he’s a chump and that his brother probably had good reasons for running off.

The Prodigal Son is not the problem in that family.

I try, very hard, to not think about the stupidity of my family and how it makes my life harder, because it really, really upsets me. But I also sometimes feel a great conspiracy between the Universe and my family against me, so that, just after I get a phone call about how my parents bought my brother a new washing machine (after everything else), I’m sitting on the side of the road with my hazards on so that people know to watch out for the Butcher, who is looking for a bolt on the side of the road so that he can replace his battery so that he can move his van to someplace safe so that he can put in a new alternator, all bought with money much depleted after a trip to my folks to help them with chores around the house.

After the ceiling fiasco, I vowed never to be in a position to need money from my parents again and, knock on wood, I have not been. (And again, thanks to everyone who made that possible.)

But I can’t let it go. The healthy thing would be to say “Well, it’s their money, their fucked up relationship to our brother, their problem. If it makes them happy or doesn’t or whatever, not my business.” Even just typing it here, I feel better seeing it out loud. We are all adults and what they do is their business and not a reflection on me and my life. It doesn’t have anything to do with me.

But I don’t feel it in my heart.

In my heart, I feel like they choose, every day, to make sure my brother’s way is as easy as they can make it and they think I should find my own way. And then their feelings are hurt when my way isn’t what they thought I should do. And so, here we are.

I’m pissed. They’re hurt. The world goes round.

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2 thoughts on “A Bitterness in My Heart

  1. Since I’m just coming off the bi-annual mom visit, I have lots of non-coherent ranting sloshing around inside. Mostly of the “I’ve stated clearly why your god will not be my god ever again and trying to guilt trip me with how bad that makes you feel doesn’t change anything”, mixed with sorrow at the fact that my mom’s getting older/frailer.

    So yeah, parents exist to mess with your head as best I can tell.

    And The Prodigal Son! I dislike Job more but PS is another story that I never liked because IT MADE NO SENSE!

  2. I always sympathized with the older brother. And hoped he’d leave and stay gone, once he realized that his father would never change. I’m sorry your parents don’t understand how what they’re doing is hurtful and unjust.

    I don’t really believe in the type of forgiveness that is able to erase truly deep hurts, myself; I don’t feel capable of it, especially when the people involved are still hurting me or others. So I mostly try to breathe and create distance between my needs and their actions. Easier said than done in the middle of a crisis.

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